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Thursday, April 22, 2010, 12:53 PM
Colors - Melody & HarmonyReview by ava_lava @Kaleidoscope Kreations
Title: 4/5 (approximate average of the scores)
Overall (4.5/5): It is pretty original, I must admit. Most one-shot collections are titled “YunJae oneshots”, “HoMin collection” or something equally boring, and I am glad that yours is not like that one bit. However, it would have been better if you put down a colon instead of a dash like {Colors: Melody & Harmony (One-Shot Collection)}. Also, it did not really relate to all of your one-shots (it was most prominent in Countdown to Heartbreak since it was the ending line). I mean, what do colors, melody, or harmony have to do with a guy trying too hard to be normal? If you want to name your one-shot collection, I would suggest finding something—a common theme—in all of your one-shots. Or maybe in the Forewords, you could write a teaser that applies to all of the one-shots that matches up to your title.
Countdown to Heartbreak (5/5): Perfect! Couldn’t have thought of a better one!
Chainsmokers (3/5): Okay, you do realize that “chainsmokers” is not even a word, right? I would have put down “(insert number) Cigarette Butts” or something orthographically correct.
Mixed Drinks (4/5): It was good, but you could have done better since it was just a boring title. Perhaps a different language would do the trick. Try “Mélange” or something.
ordinary jaechun (2/5): It’s a pity. The story was brilliant but the title was anticlimactic. First off, it wasn’t capitalized properly. I would have put down something either totally bizarre or something so typical that it would throw people off. For the bizarre one, you could use “Homogenous” or some unusual synonym for the word “ordinary”; whereas for the typical one, a good example would be “Good Morning, New York”.
Stowed Away (3/5): I’ll tell the truth. It was a good title, but it did not match the breathlessness the rest of the “poem” had. I would have given this a one-worded title like “Shadow” (you referred to shadows a lot, but think of a more creative one) to give off that breathless feeling.
Drabble Dump (4/5): All of them were named flawlessly except for “By Default” (it just didn’t match that well). Congratulations!
Anti-catalyst (5/5): This one was a unique title, and I loved it the most since it was unusual, fit the story, and profound. The only thing I did not like about it was that it was a Chemistry term (and I hate Chemistry).
Believer (4.5/5): It works. I was always a fan of one-worded titles since it is short and simple, and holds a lot of value. You could have made it a bit more interesting, though. “Believer” is a cliché title and cliché word in general, I think. But it works.
Background/Poster: 4.5/5
The background is genius. Dude, I should make my background like yours! What dimensions did you use for it (yes, I want you to answer this when you tag us!!!)? Your poster was also really original: it looks more like a header and you can hardly see Jaejoong and Yoochun’s faces. I am also a fan of the Old English MT font (Death Note for the win!), so your marks went up because of that. However, I would really suggest that you let people see the characters in your poster (even though I loved the idea, don’t get me wrong). I know readers who look at a poster then leave. Also, with your font in your poster: outline your words because it is sort of unclear reading it. If you don’t know how with your photo editor, look online and follow the procedures or download another editor (I use PhotoScape to outline words and GIMP to edit the pictures).
Forewords: 6/10
It was a tad messy. First off, I would suggest you put your ramblings / author’s notes at the bottom of the forewords so as not to interfere with the main point which is your stories. I really like how you include the information and excerpts of your one-shots, but I would have liked it if your excerpts were longer or at least make a perfectly clear summary of it (I could hardly get anything out of your teasers; like, what does “the taste of strawberries getting rarer” have to do with anything?). My last suggestion would be to put your one-shots in the order you introduce them in the forewords (you put them on backwards, I observed). The one-shot posted on Chapter 1 was the one that was described last, which threw me off for a minute.
Plot: 12.5/15 (average of the scores)
Countdown to Heartbreak (10/15): The first four lines already turned me off and you haven’t reached the story yet. Please make sure that everything is grammatically correct, that it is attractively done, and above all neat. Anyways, the countdown idea was great. The biggest problem I found was the lack of detail this one-shot gave off. You hardly gave any detail about HOW and WHY Yoochun fell in love with Jaejoong, nor did you explain—not clearly enough, at least—why their friendship was broken and then mended afterwards. It was all a bit confusing to me. It was also too dramatic at times, like when you called Jaejoong’s walkout on Yoochun’s confession “unforgivable”, but that is only my opinion.
Chainsmokers (14/15): A Masochistic Love Story: Same first-four-lines deal as the first one-shot. Anyways, this one was very good. Of course, I am really against smoking and cheating and whatnot, but with what you had, you certainly made an exquisitely original story plot that would not be forgotten very soon. Hmm, every cigarette stands for something, huh? Amazing originality. I’ll make sure to get some friends to read this.
Mixed Drinks (9/15): This one was quite perplexing. Perhaps it was the fact that it was too short or maybe it was because of the ambiguously used metaphors and similes (I loved the fact that you used them, but just make sure that they do not turn literal). Like, at first when you said that Jaejoong flew to the moon, I thought you actually meant it when you said he became Frankenstein. Please make sure that all of your sentences make sense so that the reader would not have to reread it in order to understand.
Ordinary Jaechun (14.5/5): Okay, this one was my favorite. Genius plot! I can’t believe that you can actually think up on all of this, about an odd guy trying too hard to be perfectly typical and ordinary, right? GENIUS! Your details were impeccable, your writing style was picture perfect, and everything seemed to be in the right place. The only thing that lost marks was the chapter name (which was not capitalized properly) and the occasional grammatical slip.
Stowed Away (15/15): O_O Wow. Well, you certainly did a good job with your Ellen Hopkins’s writing style! I loved it! Although short and chopped up into those annoying little poem terms called stanzas, you managed to give out enough details to tell a story that would usually take ten chapters. Of course, there were some wrong usages of capitalized letters (not the titles, but words like “Manager” which should be “manager”; things like that).
Drabble Dump (13/15): Pretty good. The best part about everything was your use of emotions—you managed to create a certain atmosphere for every drabble even if it lasted shorter than two hundred words. Your “Better Than Fine” one is a bit bland compared to the others since you didn’t make the scene significant enough. I have trouble doing that, too, so here is a formula I use. (plot twist)(valuable lesson)/(descriptive words) = interesting + unforgettable + eye-opening. Basically, a plot twist that could include a valuable lesson on top of the usage of descriptive words would create an interesting, unforgettable, and even eye-opening story. Your other ones succeeded, but this one did not seem to work somehow. Perhaps add a philosophical moral? My favorite is “Fishing at Aisle 6” since it was much like an essay—an introduction, a body that explained / described / persuaded, and a conclusion that went back to the introduction—and still it sounded poetic. Very original! The last one, “By Default” is quite good as well, but because I am more of a systematic person, I couldn’t help but notice that the {because Yoochun…} sentences started on the third line. I would have made it start on the second and had a conclusion that went back to first line. Your choice, though. It was beautiful as it was.
Anti-catalyst (13/15): This one was quite confusing, as there were a lot of things that could be inferred from it. Of course, if you read it slow enough, you can get all of the details, but next time try to make it a little bit more clear since you actually make inferences from inferences (if you know what I mean). Anyways, this one had a really good ending sentence, and I am very much impressed with it.
Believer (11.5/15): This is only my opinion: if you do not have time to check over your work, do not post it in the first place. My rule of thumb: always check your work and make sure you make it as perfect as you can before pressing the POST button. If you don’t have time to check, don’t post until you do. Otherwise you make silly mistakes like {“I don't have to,” Jaejoong smiles, gripping one of Yoochun's HEART with his hand, and whispers, “I've got you.”}. I mean, how many hearts does Yoochun have? You see, because of that little mistake, you took away more than half of the emotional effect that the last sentence could have had on the reader. Anyways, the plot was alright—it wasn’t original, but at least you used very unique wording that tricked the readers into thinking that it was original (amazing skill to have, by the way; keep it up).
Creativity/Originality: 15/15
It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t give you full marks for this. Every single one-shot you wrote either contained a philosophical idea, an innovative theme, or a brilliantly thought of idiom / expression (I especially liked “A blue cord plugged where a red one should be”). The only thing that could possibly be improved is your spelling and grammar. Email me if you write more DBSK fanfics.
Flow: 8.5/10
Most of your fics moved too fast for me. Again, this may only be because they are one-shots. Make sure your stories contain many details (or inferred details since you are amazing at those) and remember to give enough background information to make the reader go “OH I GET IT!” (you did most of the time but this is just a reminder). What I liked best was the fact that every story had a deeper meaning hidden underneath, and that even with such a fast pace, you were able to convey that to the reader.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
Okay, this is the weakest point of your stories. Number one, your tenses. Most of your stories were written in the present tense, right? Well, there were times when you suddenly switched to the past tense (by accident, I am sure, but even accidents take marks off). For instance, {On the first night the five of them were together, Yoochun gets to be stuck with Jaejoong for obvious reasons.} switched from the past and then to the present. Try {On the first night the five of them ARE together, Yoochun GOT to be stuck with Jaejoong for obvious reasons} or {On the first night the five of them WERE together, Yoochun GOT to be stuck with Jaejoong for obvious reasons}. In fact, I would suggest that you write all of your stories in the past tense (consistently) since it was an event that took place before and not NOW.
Another thing is your sentence structure. You had a lot of sentence fragments. These are actually really good utensils in sentence structures but please do not abuse them. There were also some overuses of the “…” thing. In theory, you only use those if there was something else that was written but instead place a “…” to save time, paper, and space. It does give out a very breathless feeling, but I would suggest you use more dashes instead. For example {Which now they want to repel… most of the time} could be replaced with {Which now they wanted to repel most of the time.} or {Which now they wanted to repel—most of the time.} A good writer would make sure that every sentence / word / phrase / paragraph is clearly stated and fully developed so that the reader would not have to look back in confusion.
Capitalization. As stupid as it is, remember your capitals. It makes a huge difference with your story appearance.
Characterization: 10/15
Out of all of your characters, Junsu’s and Changmin’s were most clear to me (in most of the stories, that is). One was the innocent no-nothing epitome of naivety while Changmin was just the dude who knew too much, right? Good, that’s what we’re aiming for. However, I knew what they were like and all, but they were definitely not developed enough (though it might have been because each one-shot was quite short). Biggest problem, nevertheless, is that I would not be able to picture Yoochun or Jaejoong in front of me. They would be just any other stranger out there. Make them more realistic and make them easier to fathom. In fanfictions, you really need to exaggerate characterizations sometimes in order for the reader to get the idea. Just make sure you are able to picture them in your head and know your characters inside and out.
Here’s a way I usually make my characters more realistic:
1. List their good points. Have at least five.
2. List their flaws (make sure that they have just as many bad points as they do good points)
3. Pretend that you are talking to them and you ask them a random question. Will you be able to know how they will respond? If you can, great. If you can’t, work on developing your character some more.
4. Know what they look like (appearances and clothing/attire) at all times.
5. Do you like your character?
If I try answering all of these questions with your characters, I would already be stuck on question number 1. Work on that.
Writing Style: 9.5/10
Amazing. Your choice of idioms and expressions, your poetic language, and your impeccable Hopkins’s writing totally blew me away. All of your sentences were varied, I found vocabulary that I didn’t know of, etc. I loved it! But just make sure that your writing is organized. As an example, in “Countdown to Heartbreak”, you were missing dividers, and although this is no big deal, just make sure of these little details of appearances because they make a big impact on the story itself. Sadly, many people really do judge a book by its cover.
Overall enjoyment: 5/5
In my eyes, there is no need to explain. Get a beta reader, fix up all those grammar mistakes, look it over again, and publish it.
Total: 80/100
This is the highest mark I have ever given any review. Be very grateful for it because I am probably the harshest marker out there. I hope that you found my suggestions useful!
Labels: ava_lava