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Thursday, July 22, 2010, 2:23 PM
A Love Confession

fanfic: A Love Confession
author: TongTong
reviewer: ava_lava

Title: 2/5

I, personally, dislike titles that contain the words “love”, “heart”, or “romance”. Yours included “love”, and it basically just blurts out the whole story right there. Despite its relevance, I would suggest something much more original, like a short quote from the story or a one-worded title.

Background/Poster: 2/5

The biggest problem with your poster is that it is not attractive. The main characters were sloppily cut out (not to mention ill-proportioned), and the yellow-pink background made my eyes sore. I would have also chosen a different background color other than white. Perhaps a very light pink or a very light yellow to match the poster Cherry_blossom made for you? Oh, and I know that it was not you who made it, but next time when looking for a graphic designer, look at their past works and choose the ones that you think will do the best job. I have seen many of this graphic designer’s works, and they really are beautiful, but perhaps her style did not suit your story content. Look for a graphic designer who specializes in the style you desire for your fanfiction.

Forewords: 4/10

The problem with your forewords was that it really was not much of a forewords at all; more like a huge section of author ramblings. I would have start with a list of the one-shots you wrote (at this moment, one, I presume), including a brief summary as to what it would be about. Then I would have put this at the beginning of every chapter / one-shot:

Title:
Pairing(s):
Genre(s):
Length:
Rating:
Summary:
Warnings / Disclaimers:

It pretty much sums our one-shot up and will let people know if this is really what they want to read. It’s up to you, though. I just find this much more organized. Also add a teaser if you feel the need.

Plot: 8.5/15

Your one-shot was not particularly the most original, nor was it the most touching. I just found it to be a bunch of fluff, which is totally cool since it was an adorable story and all. However, in order for a plot to appeal to all different types of people, the plot must be versatile and layered, meaning that it must be able to be interpreted differently. For instance, if you had ever read the book “Animal Farm” by George Orwell, there are many layers on the book that could appeal to children and adults alike. On the surface, it is a comical fable—almost like a fairytale—that tells of farm animals that are duped several times in their attempt to attain freedom. If interpreted deeper, it is about communism and the rise of Stalin, and how the method of which communism reigned ultimately did little to no good in the society. Even deeper still, it could be seen as a generalization of communist or totalitarian regimes, most of which (in the author’s opinion) eventually lead to disaster due to abuse of power. As a result, “Animal Farm” can be read by people of all ages because there is something about the plot and theme that attracts the two generations. Your plot was meant for children of around ages twelve to fourteen, which is a very small span in comparison. I personally like plots that make the reader learn something, perhaps a moral, perhaps a psychological concept, or perhaps an abstract idea. It just leaves the reader thinking, which is what all authors want. I also think of your plot as very bland mainly because there is not much going on. It is just a simple story that tells of two people, period. I would suggest hinting at other couples, or giving more of a background to your characters. Sub-plots always compliment the main plots really well, and I most definitely think that it will benefit yours.

Creativity/Originality: 8.5/15

Again, creativity is not huge here. Polar opposites fall in love, leading to a happy ending. Isn’t that a bit boring? Think of something different that would make your story more exciting. Use my suggestion of subplots or morals.

Flow: 7/10

They fell in love too fast. That’s all I can say to it. Don’t you think that it sort of takes a bit more time than five minutes for a guy with a high IQ to confess to a girl with a low IQ? Don’t you think that it sort of ruins his perfect image if he could fall in love with that particular girl so easily just because she dressed prettily on that particular day? Please, make the story have a bit more meaning to it and slow it down so that details will come out.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10

Since it’s short, I’ll beta-read it for you.

{Ever since Yatou’s surprise party, Xiaojie(b)’s mind seemed to be involuntarily occupied with thoughts of a particular person all summer long—thoughts that focused on a particular girl whose name sounded exactly like his own but who had the personality and IQ exactly the opposite of his. Her naive smile played constantly in his mind like some sort of a broken record, looping itself endlessly. To be perfectly honest, he was a bit taken aback that she could look this beautiful when she appeared in front of him at the party. He was even more surprised that this stupid girl could have such an effect on him.

For some reason, he found himself sitting straight up when she walked in through the door. She seemed to have kept her luscious wavy hair down throughout the party. He was mesmerized by her until her clumsiness kicked in again.

“Ouch!” Xiaojie(g) landed flat on her face.

Almost immediately, he got up from his chair. However, before he could make it to her, another guy already helped her up. It occurred to him—when she decided let her hair down—that random guys had been flocking to her more frequently than necessary. He stood there helplessly as three other guys hovered over her to see what was wrong. He started to get frustrated. This dumb girl shouldn’t be able to have such effect on him.

“Are you okay, Xiaojie(g)?” the guy pushed up his glasses in a nerdy fashion asked her.

“Yea, I think so...thanks,” she forced a smile at the guy before she winced out a cry of pain.

Without any second thoughts, he pushed the nerdy guy aside and held onto Xiaojie (g)’s arm. Anger overtook him. “You’re not okay,” he stated flatly, trying to keep his cool. “I’ll bring you to the nurse’s office.”

Xiaojie(g) was surprised by his actions. Never in her dreams would she imagine him throwing a second glance at her, especially when they sat a couple of rows apart. However, deep in her heart, she knew he was kind and that was why she fell in love with him. She felt herself heating up at their closeness although he was only holding onto her arm.

“Can you walk?” Xiaojie(b) noticed her stiffness. He rolled his eyes at her lack of response. He knew liking someone with low IQ would be troubling, but never in a million years had he thought he would actually experience it. “Never mind.” With that said, he lifted her up and walked out of the classroom. It was as if he didn’t even notice the existence of the rest of his classmates, let alone their shocked expressions.

‘Thump, thump, thump,’ beat her heart. She really hoped he didn’t notice it.

He felt nervous and his hands started to sweat upon realizing that he was carrying her bridal style while walking down the hall to the nurse’s office. He really hoped she didn’t notice it. He still needed to maintain the cool image in front of her. After her love confession to him, he thought protecting his image was even more important so that he would always appear perfect in front of her.

After the nurse took care of the bruise on Xiaojie(g)’s kneecap, she told Xiaojie(g) to rest in the office for a while before heading back to class.

“Okay, I’m going to head out to have an early lunch, so just rest up.” The nurse then turned to Xiaojie(b) who was standing at the door. “Shouldn’t you be back in your classroom?”

He hesitated. “Um… is she okay?”

“Yeah, it was just a little bruise, no big deal. You better get back to your class before getting into trouble,” the nurse warned before taking her coat and heading out.

Obviously, he didn’t heed her advice. He walked up to bed where Xiaojie(g) was sitting, looking at her bruised kneecap. “Why are you so clumsy all the time?” he asked, semi-rhetorically.

Startled by the voice, Xiaojie(g) looked up. “Why are you still here? You would get into trouble if the teacher noticed that you’re still not in class.”

He thought she was adorable, still worrying about him when she should be worrying more about herself. He smiled and sat down right beside her. “You should worry about yourself more.”

“I know I’m clumsy, but I’ll try… I’ll try to be more graceful and elegant, so that you don’t need to worry about me.” She beamed innocently at him.

Defensively, he retorted, “Who said I was worrying about you?” He noticed her face sadden. “Hey, hey, hey, what’s with the face?”

“I know that you don’t like me, and that you’re just being kind.” Somehow this made his heart sink. She tried to sound more positive again. “But I am determined to become more graceful, more elegant, more intelligent, more pretty—”

“No!” he suddenly blurted, standing up. He knew even more guys would surround her if that happened.

“Huh?” She was confused. Did he mean that no matter what she does, he would never look at her? She felt her stomach sick.

“Who gave you the idea that you should be all of that?”

She had never seen him this way. She was a bit scared. “But I thought—d”

“Isn’t that twisting your own personality? Or is it because you want to garner more guys’ attention to yourself?”

She shook her head.

“Then don’t change anything about yourself.” Suddenly he felt bad for scaring her like that, upon realizing how he behaved just a moment ago. Finally, he sighed. He sat down again and used his hands to guide her face to look at him. She looked so innocent. “I don’t want you to change yourself. I don’t need you to be elegant or graceful… you can be as clumsy as you want because… because…” His heartbeat quickened. It was now or never. In one breath, he completed his sentence. “Because I’ll always be near you, so that if you fall, I’ll be there to catch you in time. I especially don’t need you to pretty up because it would make it harder for me to get to you.”

Thump, thump, thump… She felt his words overwhelm her. She needed clarity and so she gathered up her courage and asked, “Xiaojie(b), was that a love confession?”

He just wanted to drop dead now. After all the effort of him mustering up his courage, she asked him that? Loving someone with low IQ was troubling.

Suddenly, her lips widened into a big grin. “If you don’t say anything in three seconds, then I’ll take it that it was love confession! One, two, three!”

She counted so quickly that he didn’t even have time to response. He thought she was pretty smart this time. He tried to hide his smile.

She meekly linked arm with him. “So that means I’m your girlfriend now. You can’t back down, okay?”

Without warning, he held her hand tight, pulled her body forward to his, and planted a kiss onto her soft lips. He had been meaning to do that ever since she started to consume all of his thoughts. He pulled away from the kiss, “Open your eyes and look at me.”

She opened her eyes, but was too shy to look at him after what happened.

“Look at me, Xiaojie(g),” he demanded.

After retaining her courage a bit, she did. As she expected, her heart beat even more wildly when she looked at him.

“I’ll never back down on being your boyfriend as long as you promise to only look at me and not at other guys. You understand?”

She happily nodded.

Just then, the nurse came back. “Hey, didn’t I already tell you to go back to your classroom?”}

I hope that you found this helpful. Please work on your capitalized letters and small orthographic mistakes. There weren’t many, but they still took some marks off.

Characterization: 12/15

Adequate. I had a feeling who the girl and boy Xiaojie was, as they were very simply described and therefore very easy to conjure up in my head. However, I think that you could describe the supporting characters better, since they were just mentioned in the story and not really elaborated upon. Remember never to let any one of your characters lose its importance throughout the course of your story. Your characters shape how your story progresses, and every single one of them must have a purpose. In your one-shot, only the girl and boy Xiaojie had a purpose. Work on that.

Writing Style: 8/10

It was simple. Like I said, this is written for children ages eleven to fourteen, and though I prefer very professionally written works (I have seen many on winglin, by the way), yours was a delightful change that had a lightheartedness to it that I haven’t seen for a while.

Overall enjoyment: 5/5

To put it simply, it was a really cute story ^^

Total: 65/100

Labels:




Wednesday, July 14, 2010, 10:56 AM
용문신 ~ The Dragon Tattoo

fanfic: 용문신 ~ The Dragon Tattoo
author: Harumi95
reviewer: ava_lava

Title: 5/5

It was impressive. Seriously, I have never seen a title as imaginative as that one. It would appeal to me if I am scrolling down the winglin page, and I would begin to wonder what the whole story is about. It is also relevant to the story itself, as it signifies the mafia and gang members, of whom the story revolves around. “The Dragon Tattoo” just gives off a very strong and powerful feeling, full of anger and perhaps mysteriousness.

Background/Poster: 3/5

The biggest problem with your poster is that it is not attractive. I disliked the fact that Taemin was in black and white while the rest of the poster was in color. If anything, the main characters should be in color to be able to stand out. Oh, and characters. There was only Taemin. From the way the story progressed, I would have thought that it would be about Taemin AND Onew, if not mostly Onew. I don’t know, but that’s just what I felt about it. The quote on the top of the poster was also repetitive, as you put it in the forewords already. In my opinion, once is enough. One idea would have been to put the text blended into the background, which serves as a reminder instead of an in-your-face statement. I know that it was not you who made it, but next time when looking for a graphic designer, look at their past works and choose the ones that you think will do the best job. I have seen many of this graphic designer’s works, and they really are beautiful, but perhaps her style did not suit your story content. Look for a graphic designer who specializes in the style you desire for your fanfiction.

Forewords: 9/10

The description is very good, although I would have start with something like this:

Title:
Pairing(s):
Genre(s):
Length:
Rating:
Summary:
Warnings / Disclaimers:

It pretty much sums your story up and will let people know if this is really what they want to read. It’s up to you, though. I just find this much more organized. By the way, I loved the teaser. It was very powerful and had you hooked immediately. I really should learn how to do that from you ;)

Plot: 13/15

Okay, I’m not going to lie, I dislike fanfictions about the mafia or about the stereotypical gangsters, but your story was an exception. I love how there were so many things going on and how the plot was enhanced with much background and details that twisted the story around into various shapes. I just advise you not to create way too many twists or change of plans, since they will twist the story so much that a big ugly knot will form instead. The best part about your story is that it is unpredictable. One minute, I thought Onew was just a normal boy who was abandoned at a bakery; the next minute, you put down that he was actually the heir of some gangster location. Most stories would have him an oblivious boy who had no link to the mafia. HOWEVER, you put down in the forewords that “Opposites attract”. Onew and Taemin, however different their personalities are, are not totally opposite—or at least not opposite enough for my taste. They are both linked to the mafia, they were both abandoned, their parents are dead, etc. Make sure that when you put down a bold statement like “Opposites attract”, you actually make them total opposites. Oh, and another thing about your plot—please make sure that everything ties down at the end. It seemed just a tad scattered at the moment; at the end, make sure that every single detail that you wrote makes sense to the whole story in some way. Answer all of the “Why” questions that the readers may have.

I personally like plots that make the reader learn something, perhaps a moral, perhaps a psychological concept, or perhaps an abstract idea. It just leaves the reader thinking, which is what all authors want.

Creativity/Originality: 11/15

The gangster / mafia part is too cliché, but at least you added enough background to make it original in its own way. Another cliché is the gangster falling for the goody-goody-two-shoes; please make sure no more clichés happen.

Flow: 7/10

It is very fast, I’m afraid. You did not take the time to fully describe everything. There are so many details scattered around, but you did not explain them at all. For example, Onew’s past was half-revealed (the part about his parents), but I would have dedicated a chapter to really REALLY explain what happened. How did his parents meet? How did everything come together? Who killed them? Why were they killed? Hopefully, questions like these will be answered later on. I also think that Taemin’s attention on Onew started too fast, and the fact that girls all of a sudden started whoring around him sort of erred me.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

Most were silly mistakes that could have been prevented if checked over very carefully. The biggest recurring one was your use of quotation marks; use them, not apostrophes. So instead of {‘Are you going to kill him?’}, use the quotation marks to form {“Are you going to kill him?”}. I usually use apostrophes to dictate character thoughts, but quotation marks are for speech hands-down. Another thing is your use of capitalized letters. I know that all of the books say that after every period, question mark, exclamation mark, etc., you need to make the next letter capitalized. However, I would believe that things in quotation marks are an exception. Instead of {“Are you okay?” The little girl asked.}, it should be {“Are you okay?” the little girl asked.} Check in a novel—any novel—and you’ll see what I mean. By the way, you sometimes get mixed up with ‘then’ and ‘than’. ‘Then’ is used either as a time marker or with a sequence of events {I ate an apple, and then I drank some milk.}, while ‘than’ is used in comparative situations {I am taller than my big sister.}

Characterization: 13/15

It was quite good though still very fuzzy. I don’t really know who Onew is (at least clearly) except that he is shy, smart, and clumsy. Taemin is just morbid since he just oves guns and killing people with them, of which I find quite disturbing but effective nonetheless. Please make sure that they are all realistic, though. I found the character of Ji Yong best, for some strange reason, probably because of the detail you described him with and the way the atmosphere of the whole story changed because of his regality. Please do this with the rest of your characters—set up a mood for them, make them imperfect, and just make sure that the reader has a certain feeling when reading about them.

Writing Style: 8/10

I disliked the fact that you had, like, four prologues. One, because they were all too short to be called a chapter; two, they were hardly descriptive and provided only minimal background; and three, they were repetitive. You could have made all four into one chapter so that the story is not as jumpy from chapter to chapter. Remember, every chapter has to have its own theme. Your four prologues served as background information, so all four could have been in the same chapter. In general, all of your chapters were quite short, and thus unsatisfying. I know this sounds shallow, but quantity contributes to quality at times. For me, I write my stories on Microsoft Word first, and then copy and paste them onto winglin or any other writer’s forum. However, I always make sure that all of my chapters are at least two thousand words or four pages long. It’s hard, I know, but if you really know what you are doing or if you really have an idea of where your story is heading, you will be able to fill up those four pages with details and important fact in no time.

Overall enjoyment: 4/5

It was a unique story though too many clichés were used in my opinion. The only part I seriously disliked was when those girls were all over Taemin. I mean, really? Are girls really that desperate for a man in their life? Are they really that weak?

OTHERWISE, it was a great story with plenty of things going on.

Total: 80/100

You told me not to be too harsh, but I only lowered my standards for the marks. I still tried to give you a full review with plenty of insight, though, so I hope you learn something from this.

Labels:




Monday, July 12, 2010, 7:33 PM
A Bride's Shoes

Fanfic: A Bride's Shoes
Author: Undankbar
Reviewer: ava_lava

Title: 4/5

It would have been a perfect title, except you referred to it as “Bridal Shoes” in the story instead of “A Bride’s Shoes.” If it were me, I would have named it “Bridal Shoes” just to match it up with the story better. Otherwise, it was a very touching title that was surprisingly not cliché. I mean, I hate titles that contain the words “love”, “romance”, or “heart”.

Background/Poster: 4.5/5

It’s beautiful! I love the poster. The only thing I would have wanted was to have seen the character faces. I only see two silhouettes, though it gives off the “lost dream” feeling better, I suppose. I also like how coins and wedding shoes were incorporated into it. The sparkling bubbles added to the magical feeling.

Forewords: 6/10

Your forewords were not clear enough to me. For most of my stories, I usually always start with something like this:

Title:
Character(s):
Genre(s):
Length:
Rating:
Summary:
Warnings / Disclaimers:

It pretty much sums your story up and will let people know if this is really what they want to read. I didn’t really know what your story was about at first, and trust me, first impressions count.

However, I loved your teaser. It held so much meaning that I could not help but smile. You adequately introduced the bridal shoes and the strong bond between Youjin and her grandmother, and even went so far as to introduce the coins. Keep up the good work!

Plot: 14/15

I loved it. Get the nearest thesaurus and look up ‘amazing’. All that’s on it is what I felt about your story. It’s original, creative, and heart-touching. Best of all, its main theme was not romance. *squeal*. Anyways, I think what made your story amazing was the fact that it made the reader (in this case, me) feel as if a lesson / moral / message was learned. We learn to treasure our loved ones, to realize that time runs out, and to use the best of it anyways. I love the centerpiece “bridal shoes”, which symbolize the lost dream that Youjin’s grandmother carried for all her life, and that Youjin eventually takes over. Another thing that made your story worthwhile was all that was going on. You described Youjin’s regrets of not seeing her grandmother often enough, her bitter experience watching her grandmother succumb to the effects of Alzheimer’s, and most importantly her grandmother’s past life. Subplots always enhance the main plot, and yours was no exception. The only thing that I would have done to make your plot better was to make the story come around into a circle: start it at one place, and end it at the same place. I mean, that’s the circle of life, right? At the end, Youjin called up Taemin, and I could only tilt my head and say: “Hmm, who’s Taemin?” I would suggest starting the story with a conversation between Taemin and Youjin (nothing much; something casual that could lead into the story), and then ending it with a conversation between Taemin and Youjin. Your choice, though.

Personally, my favorite line of the story was “But most importantly, she showed me that no women needed a man to find a way in life and be happy.” But what I hated was that Youjin’s grandmother really DID need a man: Kim Kibum “Key”. Yes, I am a feminist. So sue me ^^

Creativity/Originality: 15/15

Skip. It’s perfect. I am a huge fan of symbolism, and your story had plenty! I also liked how somebody suffered from ‘Alzheimer’s’ and not the mainstream ‘amnesia’.

Flow: 8.5/10

The flow was surprisingly smooth. Most one-shots are super rushed or are too static, but yours just went through naturally. My only complaint was that you did not describe everything to its fullest. You could have elaborated more about Youjin’s initial disgust with her grandmother’s disease, or describe a specific incident to give the reader a better idea of what you wanted to say. You could have described the personality of Key in more detail so as to explain more fully why Youjin’s grandmother loved him so much that she could go through a lifetime without marrying another man. Of course, if you explain them too much, it could take away from the ‘afterlife’ feeling that I felt throughout your story. So again, to your discretion.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

There were carelessly spelled words (like ‘organise’ when it was supposed to be ‘organize’ and ‘save’ instead of ‘safe’) that would have been corrected if you paid more attention. There were not that many grammar mistakes, though I could find some if I looked closer. For example, {Not only was she caring and humorous; but a best friend and a personal role model.} should have been {Not only had she been caring and humorous, she was also a best friend and a personal role model.}. {I regret it deeply to have never having told her these things.} should have been written as {I deeply regret never telling her of these things.} Very small mistakes were prominent, but they did not take away from the whole general meaning. Please pay closer attention to these things and then it would have been perfect.

Characterization: 10/15

Okay, here is a summary of what I think everybody should be like.

Youjin: An independent young woman who is relatively normal, though at times too idealistic. She looked up to her grandmother, though get impatient with her disease, and comes off as very romantic and dreamy at times.

Youjin’s grandmother: A little girl trapped in an old woman’s body. She believes in only one chance at love, and comes off as a strong and tough female that can get through anything herself, earning respect from others despite her inner insecurities.

Minho: First off, the idea of him being a grandfather really made me laugh. Anyways, he is a caring man who acts like a grandfather should. He hides his inner sadness of losing his wife and then his sister the best he can, though it is evident that he is hurting inside. He cares about his loved ones and does his best to look after them.

Key: A good person. There was not much about him.

Taemin: Youjin’s on-and-off boyfriend slash love interest slash future husband? I actually have no idea.

If I got the first three correct, then your characterization is satisfactory though it could have been elaborated more. What I like best was the fact that all of your characters were realistic and I was able to picture them in my head. However, they were still too fuzzy for my taste. As a heads up, try this exercise:

1. List their good points.
2. List their flaws (make sure that they have just as many bad points as they do good points)
3. Pretend that you are talking to them and you ask them a random question. Will you be able to know how they will respond? If you can, great. If you can’t, work on developing your character some more.
4. Know what they look like (appearances and clothing/attire) at all times.
5. Do you like your character?

Writing Style: 7/10

It was alright. It was rather poetic and distant, which is a very good contrast to my own more scientific style of writing. I disliked the fact that your paragraphs were too far apart from each other, but that is a trivial complaint. Your orthographic errors were also in the way, which further took off a point. Oh, and whenever you write numbers, never write the number—spell the word out. So instead of ‘20’, you put down ‘twenty’. It shows the readers that you care and that you put a lot of effort into your work, as well as fills up more space, making your writing seem more impressive (I know, shallow reason, but most things in this world is shallow).

Overall enjoyment: 7/5

1. Minho was a grandfather.
2. You poster was filled with symbols, which made me dance around the room.
3. You requested for me ^^
4. There were many symbols (the coins, the bridal shoes, Alzheimer’s disease, etc.) that miraculously fit together in your story.
5. The black-and-white pictures of Key were realistically antique. I loved the idea!
6 & 7. You had a moral in your story. A psychological one at that. That earned you the two extra points.

Total: 83/100

I am a harsh marker, and most of the scores I give out are lower than seventy-five. Eighty-three out of a hundred is a VERY GOOD MARK in my standards—one of the highest ones I have given out in the history of being a reviewer.

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Tuesday, April 27, 2010, 6:46 PM

Fanfic: Esoteric Amour
Author: Hann
Reviewer: ava_lava

Title: 3/5

Those three marks were basically on account of how original it was. Otherwise, it had practically nothing to do with your story. There was no mystery in it, and dude, use a more creative language than French (‘love’ in German, for example, is ‘Lieben’). Perhaps your title does not match because the story hasn’t been developed yet.

Background/Poster: 1.5/5

It is disproportioned, ineffectively lighted, and sloppily put together. I know that it was not you who made it, but next time when looking for a graphic designer, look at their past works and choose the ones that you think will do the best job.

Forewords: 6/10

I think that you need to give a little teaser or at least a description of what the whole story is about. This would catch peoples’ attention and have them wanting to know more and how the whole story will end. Just make sure you have a really CLEAR plot in your mind. I know that your Chapter 1 is a teaser, but I cannot guess enough of what will happen afterwards in order to keep me interested. For most of my stories, I usually always start with something like this:

Title:
Pairing(s):
Genre(s):
Length:
Rating:
Summary:
Warnings / Disclaimers:

It pretty much sums your story up and will let people know if this is really what they want to read.

Plot: 7.5/15

The biggest problem with your plot was that… there was none. I’m sorry, but before you write ANY story, you must always have a plot in mind. From your author’s notes, you have already explained that your plot idea has become very obscure, right? Well, for a writer, that is inexcusable. Here is my advice:

1. Know the conflict like the back of your hand. IMPORTANT!!! You didn’t have even this! What makes a story interesting? A conflict, a rising action, a climax, whatever you call it! Just remember to include on in your next (?) story.
2. Have a prepared ending. You definitely don’t have this yet, do you? Before you start a story, create an ending and work towards it. Of course, you could alter it while you write, but make sure you have a set goal.

Creativity/Originality: 7.5/15

Been there, done that. It is just a typical love story like you said in the forwards. I got bored reading it in the middle (sorry if I am quite blunt; it is just my job). Here are some ways that could make things more interesting:

1. Letting both the reader and the character learn something valuable (life lesson, a foreshadowing of the story, etc.). This shows experience, wisdom, and hard work.
2. Using lush descriptive words to enhance the effect of the story. You did this quite well but I have a feeling that you did not try to the best of your abilities.
3. Incorporating a twist. I love those, so try that out. It just gives your story a little bit of spice. Don’t twist too much until you become confused with your story.

Flow: 6/10

Too slow. Much too slow. It was a very static fanfiction (perhaps because it was just starting?) and I felt that there was a weight behind it that prevented it from advancing. Please get to the main conflict because I see none yet and it is already chapter thirteen.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

Nothing too serious. Just a bunch of fragmented sentences that shouldn’t be there ({She sat still on the wooden chair, refusing to move, afraid that she would trip over anything on the ground once she stood up.} should be replaced with {She sat still on the wooden chair, refusing to move since she was afraid of tripping over anything on the ground if she stood up.}), missing / misused commas ({The clock ticked in the dead silence surrounding her, the only audible source besides her own breathing} should be {The clock ticked in the dead silence surrounding her: the only audible source of noise besides her own breathing.}), and other miscellaneous accidents.

The biggest thing was your use of capitalized letters. I know that all of the books say that after every period, question mark, exclamation mark, etc., you need to make the next letter capitalized. However, I would believe that things in quotation marks are an exception. Instead of {“Are you okay?” The little girl asked.}, it should be {“Are you okay?” the little girl asked.} Check in a novel—any novel—and you’ll see what I mean.

Characterization: 14/15

You did this part really well. The DBSK members were characterized the way that they appeared on television (I should know since I am a huge fan of them); you described Aki and her background enough for me to know that she is loving, optimistic, girly, and strong; and Han Hyo Joo was depicted as full of love and enthusiastically pursuing the path to love. Of course, I think you made both Aki and Hyo Joo too perfect (you even put down that Aki was perfect, which is bad). Make sure that they have just as many (if not more) flaws as they have good points. Here is a way to help with characterization:

1. List their good points. Have at least five.
2. List their flaws (make sure that they have just as many bad points as they do good points)
3. Pretend that you are talking to them and you ask them a random question. Will you be able to know how they will respond? If you can, great. If you can’t, work on developing your character some more.
4. Know what they look like (appearances and clothing/attire) at all times.
5. Do you like your character?

Writing Style: 9/10

I’ll give you points for this. You write really well. You have very good use of vocabulary (there were some words that I had to look up), most of your idioms were used correctly, and damn it, all your sentences flowed very smoothly. I am actually very envious.

Overall enjoyment: 2/5

It just didn’t move; the story was very static, like you were just repeating the same things over and over again.

Total: 63.5/100

I apologize for my blunt and short review. I know that your fiction just started and I admire your courage for actually attempting to write one. Your biggest problem was the fact that you had very little idea of how your story was progressing. Please make sure that you know what you are doing the next time round.

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Thursday, April 22, 2010, 12:53 PM

Colors - Melody & Harmony
Review by ava_lava @Kaleidoscope Kreations


Title: 4/5 (approximate average of the scores)

Overall (4.5/5): It is pretty original, I must admit. Most one-shot collections are titled “YunJae oneshots”, “HoMin collection” or something equally boring, and I am glad that yours is not like that one bit. However, it would have been better if you put down a colon instead of a dash like {Colors: Melody & Harmony (One-Shot Collection)}. Also, it did not really relate to all of your one-shots (it was most prominent in Countdown to Heartbreak since it was the ending line). I mean, what do colors, melody, or harmony have to do with a guy trying too hard to be normal? If you want to name your one-shot collection, I would suggest finding something—a common theme—in all of your one-shots. Or maybe in the Forewords, you could write a teaser that applies to all of the one-shots that matches up to your title.

Countdown to Heartbreak (5/5): Perfect! Couldn’t have thought of a better one!

Chainsmokers (3/5): Okay, you do realize that “chainsmokers” is not even a word, right? I would have put down “(insert number) Cigarette Butts” or something orthographically correct.

Mixed Drinks (4/5): It was good, but you could have done better since it was just a boring title. Perhaps a different language would do the trick. Try “Mélange” or something.

ordinary jaechun (2/5): It’s a pity. The story was brilliant but the title was anticlimactic. First off, it wasn’t capitalized properly. I would have put down something either totally bizarre or something so typical that it would throw people off. For the bizarre one, you could use “Homogenous” or some unusual synonym for the word “ordinary”; whereas for the typical one, a good example would be “Good Morning, New York”.

Stowed Away (3/5): I’ll tell the truth. It was a good title, but it did not match the breathlessness the rest of the “poem” had. I would have given this a one-worded title like “Shadow” (you referred to shadows a lot, but think of a more creative one) to give off that breathless feeling.

Drabble Dump (4/5): All of them were named flawlessly except for “By Default” (it just didn’t match that well). Congratulations!

Anti-catalyst (5/5): This one was a unique title, and I loved it the most since it was unusual, fit the story, and profound. The only thing I did not like about it was that it was a Chemistry term (and I hate Chemistry).

Believer (4.5/5): It works. I was always a fan of one-worded titles since it is short and simple, and holds a lot of value. You could have made it a bit more interesting, though. “Believer” is a cliché title and cliché word in general, I think. But it works.

Background/Poster: 4.5/5

The background is genius. Dude, I should make my background like yours! What dimensions did you use for it (yes, I want you to answer this when you tag us!!!)? Your poster was also really original: it looks more like a header and you can hardly see Jaejoong and Yoochun’s faces. I am also a fan of the Old English MT font (Death Note for the win!), so your marks went up because of that. However, I would really suggest that you let people see the characters in your poster (even though I loved the idea, don’t get me wrong). I know readers who look at a poster then leave. Also, with your font in your poster: outline your words because it is sort of unclear reading it. If you don’t know how with your photo editor, look online and follow the procedures or download another editor (I use PhotoScape to outline words and GIMP to edit the pictures).

Forewords: 6/10

It was a tad messy. First off, I would suggest you put your ramblings / author’s notes at the bottom of the forewords so as not to interfere with the main point which is your stories. I really like how you include the information and excerpts of your one-shots, but I would have liked it if your excerpts were longer or at least make a perfectly clear summary of it (I could hardly get anything out of your teasers; like, what does “the taste of strawberries getting rarer” have to do with anything?). My last suggestion would be to put your one-shots in the order you introduce them in the forewords (you put them on backwards, I observed). The one-shot posted on Chapter 1 was the one that was described last, which threw me off for a minute.

Plot: 12.5/15 (average of the scores)

Countdown to Heartbreak (10/15): The first four lines already turned me off and you haven’t reached the story yet. Please make sure that everything is grammatically correct, that it is attractively done, and above all neat. Anyways, the countdown idea was great. The biggest problem I found was the lack of detail this one-shot gave off. You hardly gave any detail about HOW and WHY Yoochun fell in love with Jaejoong, nor did you explain—not clearly enough, at least—why their friendship was broken and then mended afterwards. It was all a bit confusing to me. It was also too dramatic at times, like when you called Jaejoong’s walkout on Yoochun’s confession “unforgivable”, but that is only my opinion.

Chainsmokers (14/15): A Masochistic Love Story: Same first-four-lines deal as the first one-shot. Anyways, this one was very good. Of course, I am really against smoking and cheating and whatnot, but with what you had, you certainly made an exquisitely original story plot that would not be forgotten very soon. Hmm, every cigarette stands for something, huh? Amazing originality. I’ll make sure to get some friends to read this.

Mixed Drinks (9/15): This one was quite perplexing. Perhaps it was the fact that it was too short or maybe it was because of the ambiguously used metaphors and similes (I loved the fact that you used them, but just make sure that they do not turn literal). Like, at first when you said that Jaejoong flew to the moon, I thought you actually meant it when you said he became Frankenstein. Please make sure that all of your sentences make sense so that the reader would not have to reread it in order to understand.

Ordinary Jaechun (14.5/5): Okay, this one was my favorite. Genius plot! I can’t believe that you can actually think up on all of this, about an odd guy trying too hard to be perfectly typical and ordinary, right? GENIUS! Your details were impeccable, your writing style was picture perfect, and everything seemed to be in the right place. The only thing that lost marks was the chapter name (which was not capitalized properly) and the occasional grammatical slip.

Stowed Away (15/15): O_O Wow. Well, you certainly did a good job with your Ellen Hopkins’s writing style! I loved it! Although short and chopped up into those annoying little poem terms called stanzas, you managed to give out enough details to tell a story that would usually take ten chapters. Of course, there were some wrong usages of capitalized letters (not the titles, but words like “Manager” which should be “manager”; things like that).

Drabble Dump (13/15): Pretty good. The best part about everything was your use of emotions—you managed to create a certain atmosphere for every drabble even if it lasted shorter than two hundred words. Your “Better Than Fine” one is a bit bland compared to the others since you didn’t make the scene significant enough. I have trouble doing that, too, so here is a formula I use. (plot twist)(valuable lesson)/(descriptive words) = interesting + unforgettable + eye-opening. Basically, a plot twist that could include a valuable lesson on top of the usage of descriptive words would create an interesting, unforgettable, and even eye-opening story. Your other ones succeeded, but this one did not seem to work somehow. Perhaps add a philosophical moral? My favorite is “Fishing at Aisle 6” since it was much like an essay—an introduction, a body that explained / described / persuaded, and a conclusion that went back to the introduction—and still it sounded poetic. Very original! The last one, “By Default” is quite good as well, but because I am more of a systematic person, I couldn’t help but notice that the {because Yoochun…} sentences started on the third line. I would have made it start on the second and had a conclusion that went back to first line. Your choice, though. It was beautiful as it was.

Anti-catalyst (13/15): This one was quite confusing, as there were a lot of things that could be inferred from it. Of course, if you read it slow enough, you can get all of the details, but next time try to make it a little bit more clear since you actually make inferences from inferences (if you know what I mean). Anyways, this one had a really good ending sentence, and I am very much impressed with it.

Believer (11.5/15): This is only my opinion: if you do not have time to check over your work, do not post it in the first place. My rule of thumb: always check your work and make sure you make it as perfect as you can before pressing the POST button. If you don’t have time to check, don’t post until you do. Otherwise you make silly mistakes like {“I don't have to,” Jaejoong smiles, gripping one of Yoochun's HEART with his hand, and whispers, “I've got you.”}. I mean, how many hearts does Yoochun have? You see, because of that little mistake, you took away more than half of the emotional effect that the last sentence could have had on the reader. Anyways, the plot was alright—it wasn’t original, but at least you used very unique wording that tricked the readers into thinking that it was original (amazing skill to have, by the way; keep it up).

Creativity/Originality: 15/15

It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t give you full marks for this. Every single one-shot you wrote either contained a philosophical idea, an innovative theme, or a brilliantly thought of idiom / expression (I especially liked “A blue cord plugged where a red one should be”). The only thing that could possibly be improved is your spelling and grammar. Email me if you write more DBSK fanfics.

Flow: 8.5/10

Most of your fics moved too fast for me. Again, this may only be because they are one-shots. Make sure your stories contain many details (or inferred details since you are amazing at those) and remember to give enough background information to make the reader go “OH I GET IT!” (you did most of the time but this is just a reminder). What I liked best was the fact that every story had a deeper meaning hidden underneath, and that even with such a fast pace, you were able to convey that to the reader.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10

Okay, this is the weakest point of your stories. Number one, your tenses. Most of your stories were written in the present tense, right? Well, there were times when you suddenly switched to the past tense (by accident, I am sure, but even accidents take marks off). For instance, {On the first night the five of them were together, Yoochun gets to be stuck with Jaejoong for obvious reasons.} switched from the past and then to the present. Try {On the first night the five of them ARE together, Yoochun GOT to be stuck with Jaejoong for obvious reasons} or {On the first night the five of them WERE together, Yoochun GOT to be stuck with Jaejoong for obvious reasons}. In fact, I would suggest that you write all of your stories in the past tense (consistently) since it was an event that took place before and not NOW.

Another thing is your sentence structure. You had a lot of sentence fragments. These are actually really good utensils in sentence structures but please do not abuse them. There were also some overuses of the “…” thing. In theory, you only use those if there was something else that was written but instead place a “…” to save time, paper, and space. It does give out a very breathless feeling, but I would suggest you use more dashes instead. For example {Which now they want to repel… most of the time} could be replaced with {Which now they wanted to repel most of the time.} or {Which now they wanted to repel—most of the time.} A good writer would make sure that every sentence / word / phrase / paragraph is clearly stated and fully developed so that the reader would not have to look back in confusion.

Capitalization. As stupid as it is, remember your capitals. It makes a huge difference with your story appearance.

Characterization: 10/15

Out of all of your characters, Junsu’s and Changmin’s were most clear to me (in most of the stories, that is). One was the innocent no-nothing epitome of naivety while Changmin was just the dude who knew too much, right? Good, that’s what we’re aiming for. However, I knew what they were like and all, but they were definitely not developed enough (though it might have been because each one-shot was quite short). Biggest problem, nevertheless, is that I would not be able to picture Yoochun or Jaejoong in front of me. They would be just any other stranger out there. Make them more realistic and make them easier to fathom. In fanfictions, you really need to exaggerate characterizations sometimes in order for the reader to get the idea. Just make sure you are able to picture them in your head and know your characters inside and out.

Here’s a way I usually make my characters more realistic:

1. List their good points. Have at least five.
2. List their flaws (make sure that they have just as many bad points as they do good points)
3. Pretend that you are talking to them and you ask them a random question. Will you be able to know how they will respond? If you can, great. If you can’t, work on developing your character some more.
4. Know what they look like (appearances and clothing/attire) at all times.
5. Do you like your character?

If I try answering all of these questions with your characters, I would already be stuck on question number 1. Work on that.

Writing Style: 9.5/10

Amazing. Your choice of idioms and expressions, your poetic language, and your impeccable Hopkins’s writing totally blew me away. All of your sentences were varied, I found vocabulary that I didn’t know of, etc. I loved it! But just make sure that your writing is organized. As an example, in “Countdown to Heartbreak”, you were missing dividers, and although this is no big deal, just make sure of these little details of appearances because they make a big impact on the story itself. Sadly, many people really do judge a book by its cover.

Overall enjoyment: 5/5

In my eyes, there is no need to explain. Get a beta reader, fix up all those grammar mistakes, look it over again, and publish it.

Total: 80/100

This is the highest mark I have ever given any review. Be very grateful for it because I am probably the harshest marker out there. I hope that you found my suggestions useful!

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