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Hello Established April 19,2010 and headed by Kyn, Kaleidoscope Kreations aims to provide vistors with graphics and reviews. Email us at rain_kissed@live.com with your questions and comments

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Tuesday, April 27, 2010, 6:46 PM

Fanfic: Esoteric Amour
Author: Hann
Reviewer: ava_lava

Title: 3/5

Those three marks were basically on account of how original it was. Otherwise, it had practically nothing to do with your story. There was no mystery in it, and dude, use a more creative language than French (‘love’ in German, for example, is ‘Lieben’). Perhaps your title does not match because the story hasn’t been developed yet.

Background/Poster: 1.5/5

It is disproportioned, ineffectively lighted, and sloppily put together. I know that it was not you who made it, but next time when looking for a graphic designer, look at their past works and choose the ones that you think will do the best job.

Forewords: 6/10

I think that you need to give a little teaser or at least a description of what the whole story is about. This would catch peoples’ attention and have them wanting to know more and how the whole story will end. Just make sure you have a really CLEAR plot in your mind. I know that your Chapter 1 is a teaser, but I cannot guess enough of what will happen afterwards in order to keep me interested. For most of my stories, I usually always start with something like this:

Title:
Pairing(s):
Genre(s):
Length:
Rating:
Summary:
Warnings / Disclaimers:

It pretty much sums your story up and will let people know if this is really what they want to read.

Plot: 7.5/15

The biggest problem with your plot was that… there was none. I’m sorry, but before you write ANY story, you must always have a plot in mind. From your author’s notes, you have already explained that your plot idea has become very obscure, right? Well, for a writer, that is inexcusable. Here is my advice:

1. Know the conflict like the back of your hand. IMPORTANT!!! You didn’t have even this! What makes a story interesting? A conflict, a rising action, a climax, whatever you call it! Just remember to include on in your next (?) story.
2. Have a prepared ending. You definitely don’t have this yet, do you? Before you start a story, create an ending and work towards it. Of course, you could alter it while you write, but make sure you have a set goal.

Creativity/Originality: 7.5/15

Been there, done that. It is just a typical love story like you said in the forwards. I got bored reading it in the middle (sorry if I am quite blunt; it is just my job). Here are some ways that could make things more interesting:

1. Letting both the reader and the character learn something valuable (life lesson, a foreshadowing of the story, etc.). This shows experience, wisdom, and hard work.
2. Using lush descriptive words to enhance the effect of the story. You did this quite well but I have a feeling that you did not try to the best of your abilities.
3. Incorporating a twist. I love those, so try that out. It just gives your story a little bit of spice. Don’t twist too much until you become confused with your story.

Flow: 6/10

Too slow. Much too slow. It was a very static fanfiction (perhaps because it was just starting?) and I felt that there was a weight behind it that prevented it from advancing. Please get to the main conflict because I see none yet and it is already chapter thirteen.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

Nothing too serious. Just a bunch of fragmented sentences that shouldn’t be there ({She sat still on the wooden chair, refusing to move, afraid that she would trip over anything on the ground once she stood up.} should be replaced with {She sat still on the wooden chair, refusing to move since she was afraid of tripping over anything on the ground if she stood up.}), missing / misused commas ({The clock ticked in the dead silence surrounding her, the only audible source besides her own breathing} should be {The clock ticked in the dead silence surrounding her: the only audible source of noise besides her own breathing.}), and other miscellaneous accidents.

The biggest thing was your use of capitalized letters. I know that all of the books say that after every period, question mark, exclamation mark, etc., you need to make the next letter capitalized. However, I would believe that things in quotation marks are an exception. Instead of {“Are you okay?” The little girl asked.}, it should be {“Are you okay?” the little girl asked.} Check in a novel—any novel—and you’ll see what I mean.

Characterization: 14/15

You did this part really well. The DBSK members were characterized the way that they appeared on television (I should know since I am a huge fan of them); you described Aki and her background enough for me to know that she is loving, optimistic, girly, and strong; and Han Hyo Joo was depicted as full of love and enthusiastically pursuing the path to love. Of course, I think you made both Aki and Hyo Joo too perfect (you even put down that Aki was perfect, which is bad). Make sure that they have just as many (if not more) flaws as they have good points. Here is a way to help with characterization:

1. List their good points. Have at least five.
2. List their flaws (make sure that they have just as many bad points as they do good points)
3. Pretend that you are talking to them and you ask them a random question. Will you be able to know how they will respond? If you can, great. If you can’t, work on developing your character some more.
4. Know what they look like (appearances and clothing/attire) at all times.
5. Do you like your character?

Writing Style: 9/10

I’ll give you points for this. You write really well. You have very good use of vocabulary (there were some words that I had to look up), most of your idioms were used correctly, and damn it, all your sentences flowed very smoothly. I am actually very envious.

Overall enjoyment: 2/5

It just didn’t move; the story was very static, like you were just repeating the same things over and over again.

Total: 63.5/100

I apologize for my blunt and short review. I know that your fiction just started and I admire your courage for actually attempting to write one. Your biggest problem was the fact that you had very little idea of how your story was progressing. Please make sure that you know what you are doing the next time round.

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