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Monday, July 12, 2010, 7:33 PM
A Bride's Shoes
Fanfic: A Bride's ShoesAuthor: Undankbar
Reviewer: ava_lava
Title: 4/5
It would have been a perfect title, except you referred to it as “Bridal Shoes” in the story instead of “A Bride’s Shoes.” If it were me, I would have named it “Bridal Shoes” just to match it up with the story better. Otherwise, it was a very touching title that was surprisingly not cliché. I mean, I hate titles that contain the words “love”, “romance”, or “heart”.
Background/Poster: 4.5/5
It’s beautiful! I love the poster. The only thing I would have wanted was to have seen the character faces. I only see two silhouettes, though it gives off the “lost dream” feeling better, I suppose. I also like how coins and wedding shoes were incorporated into it. The sparkling bubbles added to the magical feeling.
Forewords: 6/10
Your forewords were not clear enough to me. For most of my stories, I usually always start with something like this:
Title:
Character(s):
Genre(s):
Length:
Rating:
Summary:
Warnings / Disclaimers:
It pretty much sums your story up and will let people know if this is really what they want to read. I didn’t really know what your story was about at first, and trust me, first impressions count.
However, I loved your teaser. It held so much meaning that I could not help but smile. You adequately introduced the bridal shoes and the strong bond between Youjin and her grandmother, and even went so far as to introduce the coins. Keep up the good work!
Plot: 14/15
I loved it. Get the nearest thesaurus and look up ‘amazing’. All that’s on it is what I felt about your story. It’s original, creative, and heart-touching. Best of all, its main theme was not romance. *squeal*. Anyways, I think what made your story amazing was the fact that it made the reader (in this case, me) feel as if a lesson / moral / message was learned. We learn to treasure our loved ones, to realize that time runs out, and to use the best of it anyways. I love the centerpiece “bridal shoes”, which symbolize the lost dream that Youjin’s grandmother carried for all her life, and that Youjin eventually takes over. Another thing that made your story worthwhile was all that was going on. You described Youjin’s regrets of not seeing her grandmother often enough, her bitter experience watching her grandmother succumb to the effects of Alzheimer’s, and most importantly her grandmother’s past life. Subplots always enhance the main plot, and yours was no exception. The only thing that I would have done to make your plot better was to make the story come around into a circle: start it at one place, and end it at the same place. I mean, that’s the circle of life, right? At the end, Youjin called up Taemin, and I could only tilt my head and say: “Hmm, who’s Taemin?” I would suggest starting the story with a conversation between Taemin and Youjin (nothing much; something casual that could lead into the story), and then ending it with a conversation between Taemin and Youjin. Your choice, though.
Personally, my favorite line of the story was “But most importantly, she showed me that no women needed a man to find a way in life and be happy.” But what I hated was that Youjin’s grandmother really DID need a man: Kim Kibum “Key”. Yes, I am a feminist. So sue me ^^
Creativity/Originality: 15/15
Skip. It’s perfect. I am a huge fan of symbolism, and your story had plenty! I also liked how somebody suffered from ‘Alzheimer’s’ and not the mainstream ‘amnesia’.
Flow: 8.5/10
The flow was surprisingly smooth. Most one-shots are super rushed or are too static, but yours just went through naturally. My only complaint was that you did not describe everything to its fullest. You could have elaborated more about Youjin’s initial disgust with her grandmother’s disease, or describe a specific incident to give the reader a better idea of what you wanted to say. You could have described the personality of Key in more detail so as to explain more fully why Youjin’s grandmother loved him so much that she could go through a lifetime without marrying another man. Of course, if you explain them too much, it could take away from the ‘afterlife’ feeling that I felt throughout your story. So again, to your discretion.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
There were carelessly spelled words (like ‘organise’ when it was supposed to be ‘organize’ and ‘save’ instead of ‘safe’) that would have been corrected if you paid more attention. There were not that many grammar mistakes, though I could find some if I looked closer. For example, {Not only was she caring and humorous; but a best friend and a personal role model.} should have been {Not only had she been caring and humorous, she was also a best friend and a personal role model.}. {I regret it deeply to have never having told her these things.} should have been written as {I deeply regret never telling her of these things.} Very small mistakes were prominent, but they did not take away from the whole general meaning. Please pay closer attention to these things and then it would have been perfect.
Characterization: 10/15
Okay, here is a summary of what I think everybody should be like.
Youjin: An independent young woman who is relatively normal, though at times too idealistic. She looked up to her grandmother, though get impatient with her disease, and comes off as very romantic and dreamy at times.
Youjin’s grandmother: A little girl trapped in an old woman’s body. She believes in only one chance at love, and comes off as a strong and tough female that can get through anything herself, earning respect from others despite her inner insecurities.
Minho: First off, the idea of him being a grandfather really made me laugh. Anyways, he is a caring man who acts like a grandfather should. He hides his inner sadness of losing his wife and then his sister the best he can, though it is evident that he is hurting inside. He cares about his loved ones and does his best to look after them.
Key: A good person. There was not much about him.
Taemin: Youjin’s on-and-off boyfriend slash love interest slash future husband? I actually have no idea.
If I got the first three correct, then your characterization is satisfactory though it could have been elaborated more. What I like best was the fact that all of your characters were realistic and I was able to picture them in my head. However, they were still too fuzzy for my taste. As a heads up, try this exercise:
1. List their good points.
2. List their flaws (make sure that they have just as many bad points as they do good points)
3. Pretend that you are talking to them and you ask them a random question. Will you be able to know how they will respond? If you can, great. If you can’t, work on developing your character some more.
4. Know what they look like (appearances and clothing/attire) at all times.
5. Do you like your character?
Writing Style: 7/10
It was alright. It was rather poetic and distant, which is a very good contrast to my own more scientific style of writing. I disliked the fact that your paragraphs were too far apart from each other, but that is a trivial complaint. Your orthographic errors were also in the way, which further took off a point. Oh, and whenever you write numbers, never write the number—spell the word out. So instead of ‘20’, you put down ‘twenty’. It shows the readers that you care and that you put a lot of effort into your work, as well as fills up more space, making your writing seem more impressive (I know, shallow reason, but most things in this world is shallow).
Overall enjoyment: 7/5
1. Minho was a grandfather.
2. You poster was filled with symbols, which made me dance around the room.
3. You requested for me ^^
4. There were many symbols (the coins, the bridal shoes, Alzheimer’s disease, etc.) that miraculously fit together in your story.
5. The black-and-white pictures of Key were realistically antique. I loved the idea!
6 & 7. You had a moral in your story. A psychological one at that. That earned you the two extra points.
Total: 83/100
I am a harsh marker, and most of the scores I give out are lower than seventy-five. Eighty-three out of a hundred is a VERY GOOD MARK in my standards—one of the highest ones I have given out in the history of being a reviewer.
Labels: ava_lava