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Thursday, July 22, 2010, 2:23 PM
A Love Confession
fanfic: A Love Confessionauthor: TongTong
reviewer: ava_lava
Title: 2/5
I, personally, dislike titles that contain the words “love”, “heart”, or “romance”. Yours included “love”, and it basically just blurts out the whole story right there. Despite its relevance, I would suggest something much more original, like a short quote from the story or a one-worded title.
Background/Poster: 2/5
The biggest problem with your poster is that it is not attractive. The main characters were sloppily cut out (not to mention ill-proportioned), and the yellow-pink background made my eyes sore. I would have also chosen a different background color other than white. Perhaps a very light pink or a very light yellow to match the poster Cherry_blossom made for you? Oh, and I know that it was not you who made it, but next time when looking for a graphic designer, look at their past works and choose the ones that you think will do the best job. I have seen many of this graphic designer’s works, and they really are beautiful, but perhaps her style did not suit your story content. Look for a graphic designer who specializes in the style you desire for your fanfiction.
Forewords: 4/10
The problem with your forewords was that it really was not much of a forewords at all; more like a huge section of author ramblings. I would have start with a list of the one-shots you wrote (at this moment, one, I presume), including a brief summary as to what it would be about. Then I would have put this at the beginning of every chapter / one-shot:
Title:
Pairing(s):
Genre(s):
Length:
Rating:
Summary:
Warnings / Disclaimers:
It pretty much sums our one-shot up and will let people know if this is really what they want to read. It’s up to you, though. I just find this much more organized. Also add a teaser if you feel the need.
Plot: 8.5/15
Your one-shot was not particularly the most original, nor was it the most touching. I just found it to be a bunch of fluff, which is totally cool since it was an adorable story and all. However, in order for a plot to appeal to all different types of people, the plot must be versatile and layered, meaning that it must be able to be interpreted differently. For instance, if you had ever read the book “Animal Farm” by George Orwell, there are many layers on the book that could appeal to children and adults alike. On the surface, it is a comical fable—almost like a fairytale—that tells of farm animals that are duped several times in their attempt to attain freedom. If interpreted deeper, it is about communism and the rise of Stalin, and how the method of which communism reigned ultimately did little to no good in the society. Even deeper still, it could be seen as a generalization of communist or totalitarian regimes, most of which (in the author’s opinion) eventually lead to disaster due to abuse of power. As a result, “Animal Farm” can be read by people of all ages because there is something about the plot and theme that attracts the two generations. Your plot was meant for children of around ages twelve to fourteen, which is a very small span in comparison. I personally like plots that make the reader learn something, perhaps a moral, perhaps a psychological concept, or perhaps an abstract idea. It just leaves the reader thinking, which is what all authors want. I also think of your plot as very bland mainly because there is not much going on. It is just a simple story that tells of two people, period. I would suggest hinting at other couples, or giving more of a background to your characters. Sub-plots always compliment the main plots really well, and I most definitely think that it will benefit yours.
Creativity/Originality: 8.5/15
Again, creativity is not huge here. Polar opposites fall in love, leading to a happy ending. Isn’t that a bit boring? Think of something different that would make your story more exciting. Use my suggestion of subplots or morals.
Flow: 7/10
They fell in love too fast. That’s all I can say to it. Don’t you think that it sort of takes a bit more time than five minutes for a guy with a high IQ to confess to a girl with a low IQ? Don’t you think that it sort of ruins his perfect image if he could fall in love with that particular girl so easily just because she dressed prettily on that particular day? Please, make the story have a bit more meaning to it and slow it down so that details will come out.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Since it’s short, I’ll beta-read it for you.
{Ever since Yatou’s surprise party, Xiaojie(b)’s mind seemed to be involuntarily occupied with thoughts of a particular person all summer long—thoughts that focused on a particular girl whose name sounded exactly like his own but who had the personality and IQ exactly the opposite of his. Her naive smile played constantly in his mind like some sort of a broken record, looping itself endlessly. To be perfectly honest, he was a bit taken aback that she could look this beautiful when she appeared in front of him at the party. He was even more surprised that this stupid girl could have such an effect on him.
For some reason, he found himself sitting straight up when she walked in through the door. She seemed to have kept her luscious wavy hair down throughout the party. He was mesmerized by her until her clumsiness kicked in again.
“Ouch!” Xiaojie(g) landed flat on her face.
Almost immediately, he got up from his chair. However, before he could make it to her, another guy already helped her up. It occurred to him—when she decided let her hair down—that random guys had been flocking to her more frequently than necessary. He stood there helplessly as three other guys hovered over her to see what was wrong. He started to get frustrated. This dumb girl shouldn’t be able to have such effect on him.
“Are you okay, Xiaojie(g)?” the guy pushed up his glasses in a nerdy fashion asked her.
“Yea, I think so...thanks,” she forced a smile at the guy before she winced out a cry of pain.
Without any second thoughts, he pushed the nerdy guy aside and held onto Xiaojie (g)’s arm. Anger overtook him. “You’re not okay,” he stated flatly, trying to keep his cool. “I’ll bring you to the nurse’s office.”
Xiaojie(g) was surprised by his actions. Never in her dreams would she imagine him throwing a second glance at her, especially when they sat a couple of rows apart. However, deep in her heart, she knew he was kind and that was why she fell in love with him. She felt herself heating up at their closeness although he was only holding onto her arm.
“Can you walk?” Xiaojie(b) noticed her stiffness. He rolled his eyes at her lack of response. He knew liking someone with low IQ would be troubling, but never in a million years had he thought he would actually experience it. “Never mind.” With that said, he lifted her up and walked out of the classroom. It was as if he didn’t even notice the existence of the rest of his classmates, let alone their shocked expressions.
‘Thump, thump, thump,’ beat her heart. She really hoped he didn’t notice it.
He felt nervous and his hands started to sweat upon realizing that he was carrying her bridal style while walking down the hall to the nurse’s office. He really hoped she didn’t notice it. He still needed to maintain the cool image in front of her. After her love confession to him, he thought protecting his image was even more important so that he would always appear perfect in front of her.
After the nurse took care of the bruise on Xiaojie(g)’s kneecap, she told Xiaojie(g) to rest in the office for a while before heading back to class.
“Okay, I’m going to head out to have an early lunch, so just rest up.” The nurse then turned to Xiaojie(b) who was standing at the door. “Shouldn’t you be back in your classroom?”
He hesitated. “Um… is she okay?”
“Yeah, it was just a little bruise, no big deal. You better get back to your class before getting into trouble,” the nurse warned before taking her coat and heading out.
Obviously, he didn’t heed her advice. He walked up to bed where Xiaojie(g) was sitting, looking at her bruised kneecap. “Why are you so clumsy all the time?” he asked, semi-rhetorically.
Startled by the voice, Xiaojie(g) looked up. “Why are you still here? You would get into trouble if the teacher noticed that you’re still not in class.”
He thought she was adorable, still worrying about him when she should be worrying more about herself. He smiled and sat down right beside her. “You should worry about yourself more.”
“I know I’m clumsy, but I’ll try… I’ll try to be more graceful and elegant, so that you don’t need to worry about me.” She beamed innocently at him.
Defensively, he retorted, “Who said I was worrying about you?” He noticed her face sadden. “Hey, hey, hey, what’s with the face?”
“I know that you don’t like me, and that you’re just being kind.” Somehow this made his heart sink. She tried to sound more positive again. “But I am determined to become more graceful, more elegant, more intelligent, more pretty—”
“No!” he suddenly blurted, standing up. He knew even more guys would surround her if that happened.
“Huh?” She was confused. Did he mean that no matter what she does, he would never look at her? She felt her stomach sick.
“Who gave you the idea that you should be all of that?”
She had never seen him this way. She was a bit scared. “But I thought—d”
“Isn’t that twisting your own personality? Or is it because you want to garner more guys’ attention to yourself?”
She shook her head.
“Then don’t change anything about yourself.” Suddenly he felt bad for scaring her like that, upon realizing how he behaved just a moment ago. Finally, he sighed. He sat down again and used his hands to guide her face to look at him. She looked so innocent. “I don’t want you to change yourself. I don’t need you to be elegant or graceful… you can be as clumsy as you want because… because…” His heartbeat quickened. It was now or never. In one breath, he completed his sentence. “Because I’ll always be near you, so that if you fall, I’ll be there to catch you in time. I especially don’t need you to pretty up because it would make it harder for me to get to you.”
Thump, thump, thump… She felt his words overwhelm her. She needed clarity and so she gathered up her courage and asked, “Xiaojie(b), was that a love confession?”
He just wanted to drop dead now. After all the effort of him mustering up his courage, she asked him that? Loving someone with low IQ was troubling.
Suddenly, her lips widened into a big grin. “If you don’t say anything in three seconds, then I’ll take it that it was love confession! One, two, three!”
She counted so quickly that he didn’t even have time to response. He thought she was pretty smart this time. He tried to hide his smile.
She meekly linked arm with him. “So that means I’m your girlfriend now. You can’t back down, okay?”
Without warning, he held her hand tight, pulled her body forward to his, and planted a kiss onto her soft lips. He had been meaning to do that ever since she started to consume all of his thoughts. He pulled away from the kiss, “Open your eyes and look at me.”
She opened her eyes, but was too shy to look at him after what happened.
“Look at me, Xiaojie(g),” he demanded.
After retaining her courage a bit, she did. As she expected, her heart beat even more wildly when she looked at him.
“I’ll never back down on being your boyfriend as long as you promise to only look at me and not at other guys. You understand?”
She happily nodded.
Just then, the nurse came back. “Hey, didn’t I already tell you to go back to your classroom?”}
I hope that you found this helpful. Please work on your capitalized letters and small orthographic mistakes. There weren’t many, but they still took some marks off.
Characterization: 12/15
Adequate. I had a feeling who the girl and boy Xiaojie was, as they were very simply described and therefore very easy to conjure up in my head. However, I think that you could describe the supporting characters better, since they were just mentioned in the story and not really elaborated upon. Remember never to let any one of your characters lose its importance throughout the course of your story. Your characters shape how your story progresses, and every single one of them must have a purpose. In your one-shot, only the girl and boy Xiaojie had a purpose. Work on that.
Writing Style: 8/10
It was simple. Like I said, this is written for children ages eleven to fourteen, and though I prefer very professionally written works (I have seen many on winglin, by the way), yours was a delightful change that had a lightheartedness to it that I haven’t seen for a while.
Overall enjoyment: 5/5
To put it simply, it was a really cute story ^^
Total: 65/100
Labels: ava_lava