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Sunday, September 5, 2010, 8:09 PM
And You Thought One Lie Couldn’t Hurt
fanfic: And You Thought One Lie Couldn’t Hurtauthor: Susan Lee
reviewer: Hainexazien
Title – 4/5
The fanfic title was fairly suitable for the story, and it would hook the readers in when seeing it, but it’s not really that creative. Try adding a bit of creativity to your title :)
Background/Poster –2/5
I honestly did not find the reason why you put Taecyeon on the poster, and not Jaebum. While reading your story, I often questioned myself “Who does she like really? Taecyeon or Jaebum?” I always found myself swaying to Jaebum’s side, because she seemed to care so much more about him, then she cared about Taecyeon. So where does Jay com into the picture? Because I’m pretty sure Jay is also one of the main characters as well, right? So couldn’t you have possibly added Jaebum to the poster as well? I was really not pleased with your background when I saw it, because I usually look for the faded images in the picture; but in yours, I found nothing at first. It wasn’t not till later did I find a really faded picture in the back; one I could barely see. I know it’s not personally your fault, but I would personally prefer the picture to be less faded. Having a picture too faded is equal to not having one in the first place at all. Though I do have to compliment you on your font color! Not once did I struggle seeing your words :) All of them were nice and clear! Good job!
Forewords –7/10
First of all, I have to tell you that I was pleased and confused about your forewords all at the same time. The prologue itself was good, but while I was reading it, some of the words confused me, and many other choices of words in place of some of the ones you used could’ve made the story more understandable. As well, though I know you added it for possibly style, I personally did not like how you wrote out the names. There was space sin between all of them, and instead of looking more stylish and unique for the names, it caused it to somewhat blend in with the background, and made it harder to read. You have to realize that it’s not only for you to style, but also for others to read. Being able to read a story without squinting is one of the reasons why readers continue to read. Other than that, your foreword was great!
Plot –11/15
I’ve seen your plot quite a lot in other stories –being popular, and then suddenly beat down on, and then realizing that your best friend was the traitor –and the horrible person—behind all the reason because of jealously and love. What I loved about your plot though, was the ending (Well, sort of) When she was punching the door and yelling for Jay in the rain. Though it might not seem that special, I found a touch of originality and creativity there for some reason, though I’m pretty sure I’ve read something close to that before. But adding more extra pieces here and there like how you did near the ending would’ve caused your story to become even more unique –therefore, the plot becoming something totally different from all the others that have the same plot.
Creativity/Originality –12/15
Like I’ve said, you’ve added creativity at the end –and originality as well, but I still think you can work on it :) creativity and originality is what makes a good plot an even better one, so continue working on it, okay? Think about all the extra little details that you could add to story; what would make it even more special?
Flow –7/10
The flow was too fast at times –where I would be confused and would have to read the whole part again—and then there would be parts just right. Just don’t rush yourself when writing the chapter, and make sure that your reader can follow along as your write, and you’ll be set to go.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary –6/10
While reading your story, I’ve found quite a few grammar mistakes, though I’ve got to admit that the spelling was good overall, and I couldn’t find many mistakes. The Vocabulary you used was simple and easy to understand, but I would’ve preferred a bigger range of vocabulary. Using several bigger words within the chapter could not only spark the interest of the readers, but could also possibly make your story more interesting. Vocabulary is a very important key, and though using simple words isn’t a bad thing, having some big words mixed in could be a good thing as well. So for the word ‘Myself’, you often wrote it as ‘My self’ with a space in the middle, which is certainly not needed because it’s one word by itself. The same goes for ‘Herself’ it’s supposed to be connected.
You also wrote: Since last month, when everybody started to hate me, loathe me, shun me, he didn’t talk to me at all.’ I knew that you meant in the sentence, but the way you wrote it out didn’t quite flow like the way I would’ve wanted it to. It should be changed to something like this: ‘Ever since everyone started to hate me, loathe me, and even shun me, he chose to not talk to me at all.’
‘How can you accuse of me of something like that’ the ‘can’ should be changed to ‘could’ and since it was something the character said, you should’ve put quotation marks to represent speech.
You have used ‘then’ instead of ‘than’ quite a few times within your story. Here are some examples: “I heard she slept with more then 20 guys” and ‘I turned around anyhow and saw something I never want to see, some one prettier then me.”
'Jessica walked in and everybody started to greet her, even if the teacher told them to shut their mouths.' What do you mean by that? Why did you use the word 'if'? I know what you mean, but it seems really unnecessary. You could've said that the teacher did instruct them to be quiet, but they ignored her, or even possibly change the 'if' to 'though'. But 'if' is really not suited in this sentence. 'If' usually describes something that could happen, so 'If' the teacher told them to shut their mouths, and if they still choose to greet Jessica, why don't you just say so? Why bother with the 'if?' If you could just say it straight out? Sometimes, being straight-forward could create a better image in the readers' mind. Same goes for this sentence: 'When Taecyeon told me about Yoobin, I didn't believe it, even if he was my best friend.' What do you mean by 'if?' I think you've really mixed up the meanings of 'if' and 'though'. They are best friends; it's not a question.
‘I could just hearing the girls screaming screaming for a picture with us. This happens every single year...' Yes, the letters 'ing' are used when it's describing an action that the character is currently using, but not every action ends with 'ing', Yes, he was 'Hearing' the girls screaming, but in this sentence, it should be used as 'Hear' by itself. The sentence should be revised to something like 'I could just hear the girls screaming; screaming for a picture with us.' You also occasionally forget to use commas, and would rather put a period at the end by itself. This could make your sentences really choppy, and really unappealing when the readers are reading the story.
'It almost didn't look like a gym, the floors were even covered with pretty colors of pink and white. This should be revised to: 'It almost didn't look like a gym; the floors were even covered with the pretty colors of pink and white.'
‘"Look who it is..." Wooyoung sneered and I looked up to see someone I didn't want to see ever again." ‘In this sentence, I understood what you meant, but the words you used really didn't suit each other. 'I looked up to see someone I didn't want to see ever again.' should be revised to something like 'I looked up and found the one person I didn't ever want to see again.'
'That's what kind of a person she was all along?!' That makes completely no sense, though I do get what you're trying to get across. But the sentence should be revised to: 'So that was the kind of person she was all along?'
'The arms that used to hug around me everyday. As much as I missed it's touch, I didn't hug back.' It may sound foolish to say it out right now, but copying out the whole sentence to show you the problem in this sentence was a must for me. You see, I'm pretty sure Jay isn't an object; he's human. You should know that you could refer to him as a 'He' and not an 'It'? You wrote 'As much as I missed it's touch...' The 'it' in this sentence should be changed into 'his' touch, because she's referring to the touch of Jaebum, not the hug itself.
These were just some of the mistakes you made that I’ve listed; there were many more. Simply to put it together, your spelling was good for most of it; the vocabulary was okay, but try to work a bit harder on your grammar?
Characterizations—15/15
You characterized the characters really well! Good Job!
Writing Style –7/10
Personally, I didn’t really like your writing style much. Most of the time, you would miss some words, or put the wrong words together and it’d sometimes sound weird –though, you still manage to get your point across. Sometimes, you try to use descriptive words or similes in your story, but when you leave out these important words like ‘and’ or ‘that’ or whatever the case may be, the attention of the readers are no longer on that simile that you’ve spent so much time thinking on, but it’s on the mistake and what you’ve left out.
You wrote: 'While I was dozing off, I saw birds flying free. I want to be like one of those birds, flying without a worry.' What did you mean by the birds? Did you see them in a dream possibly while you were dozing, or was it out the window? Please be more specific. It helps create images, and helps interpret the story in the readers' mind. Without these images, the story is plainly just words without meaning.
'The kind of look that gives you the cold shivers just thinking about it. It planted into my head and wouldn't go away.' The words 'It planted' does not make sense at all. Where's the word connecting the two? It should be changed to 'It was planted'. But if the reader was reading this sentence all by itself, would they really know what it was talking about? What was planted in Taecyeon's head? The look that Jay gave him was what was planted in his head, and therefore, making it clearer in the next sentence would create that image. Usually, follow-up sentences such like these could be clearly understood, but for some reason in this case, I couldn't find much sense into it. I had to read it three times before actually realizing you were talking about the cold look that Jay had given him. Try to clear up the way you write, and make sure they have a clear understanding about what you're talking about. Your story didn’t have a lot of detail in it, and most of the time you didn’t describe much, and I would’ve preferred more description, because that way, it’s easier for the images to form in the readers mind –like I’ve said earlier (I believe). Try to add more detail, and always remember that even the littlest details are important.
Overall Enjoyment –3/5
It could be one of the stories I would read, but it wouldn’t be on the very top of my list. I really liked the scene where she was sitting the rain while knocking frantically at Jaebum’s door, but I often turned my attention to something else as I read your story.
Total --74/100
I apologize if I have offended you in any way during this review. These are just my personal opinions and views, and I hope that you use this as a guide in the future when writing your stories, and I really hope that this will help you improve your writing. Thank-you for requesting at Kaleidoscope Kreations! Have a great day!
Labels: Hainexazien