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Friday, January 14, 2011, 6:25 PM
The Forgotten Melody
Story Title: The Forgotten MelodyAuthor: Pararae
Reviewer: Hainexazien@kaleidoscopekreations.blogspot.com
Title: 4/5
I thought that the title suited the story really well, but if a little more creativity could be put into it, more readers would be attracted to the story more easily. As well, the title is a bit cliché, and overused, and that issue of attraction appears again. Though I would understand why you would choose this title, I would choose a more unique title. Perhaps choose a better word than forgotten? Perhaps a synonym? One that we don’t usually use?
Background/Poster: 5/5
Since there was no poster, I graded this part on your organization of the layout, and if it was easy to read the text in itself. Overall, the text could’ve been a little small, but I’m used to reading small text, so I had no problem with that. You could consider making the text slightly bigger, but that’s about it. The white color of the font really stood out from the black background, so good job!
Forewords: 8/10
Your forewords are really simple, and not really detailed. What could be added to it could be a brief description of the characters as you didn’t describe about them so much in the story other than their appearance, and I would’ve expected a lot more of them describing the personality. But that’s basically it; I can’t find much missing from the forewords.
Plot: 14/15
The plot itself was somewhat overused (As I’ve seen in some other stories), and though it is, you somehow made it unique with your descriptions and had separated this story from the rest. Other than the overused plot, I think that it was really good.
Creativity/Originality: 14/15
Again, it was just using that overused plot, but because of the description (Like I said above), you made the story different from the others in your own way.
Flow: 10/10
The flow was perfect! Good Job!
Spelling/Vocabulary/Grammar: 9/10
The only mistake I found within the story was this:
The word ‘became’ should be changed to ‘become’ in the second paragraph; I’m sure it was just a minor mistake, but to prevent this, you could always reread your stories after you’ve written them. Though it becomes boring at times, it’s good to proofread so that it’s easier for your readers to understand what you’re trying to say.
I really liked the way you used the vocabulary, and didn’t just use simple ones that we use in everyday life, and this really assisted in creating a better image of Jaejoong within the story, and the grammar was almost flawless! Keep up the good work!
Characterization: 13/15
Like usual, it’s hard to maintain characterization within a one-shot because it’s such a short piece of work, and for a one-shot, I’d have to say you did a great job on characterization with all the descriptions of how they look and how great Jaejoong played on the piano, and how beautiful the sound was when he played it. But again, like I’ve stated earlier, you neglected a bit of the personality of the characters, and that’s where I took off the marks.
Writing Style: 9/10
I loved your writing style! It was just because of too much description, at times I would get lost, and it was hard to follow in a lot of ways, and so I took off a mark for that.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Total: 91/100
Good Job Pararae! I probably missed some other mistakes, but I’m full of flaws as well; but this was truly something that brought joy to my day (Though it wasn’t a joyful story). It’s been so long since I’ve read a story with so much details and descriptions! Thanks for requesting at Kaleidoscope Kreations, and I hope you have a great day!
Labels: Hainexazien
Wednesday, January 5, 2011, 6:34 AM
Why is Revenge So Sweet to the Bitter?
fanfic: Why is Revenge So Sweet to the Bitter? /Why is Revenge always so sweet to the bitter?author: whiteboat
reviewer: Hainexazien
Title: 1/5
The reason why I gave you this mark was because the title really didn’t have much relevance to the story other than the word ‘Revenge’ and the story itself really didn’t talk about revenge till about the fifth, seventh chapter? As well, I don’t see why I would click on that title, as it wouldn’t really draw my attention. The title was really long, and didn’t really serve the purpose to attract readers and still be suitable for the story. I didn’t get why there were two different titles; the on top of the poster is different from the one on the poster and the one on the tab. Try to be consistent with your titles, as it’s really hard to know which one is actually the real one.
Background/Poster: 5/5
I loved the background and poster, and I’ve got to say that your poster is quite attractive! The words never blended in with the background, and I never had a hard time reading the words, so that was really good!
Forewords: 2/10
In the forewords, you only had a basic summary of the story and what was going to happen. I found this really simple, but at the same time, I expected a lot more than that. There was no particular description of the characters of the story, neither was there a prologue or something to really hook the reader into the story. Yes, descriptions could play that part, but prologues or even quotes could add to that hook and make it more effective.
Try adding quotes, character descriptions, or possibly even an Author’s Note to capture the attention of the readers and keep them reading.
Plot: 3/15
The plot was very common, and through all 20 chapters that you posted, of 18 that were actually part of the story, I still couldn’t see much of your plot and it was all still very vague. Other than knowing that Aaron treated Gui Gui very coldly before and that she’s using Genie to get revenge on him, I know nothing else. The plot itself really didn’t develop in the story, and I couldn’t see much important parts or scenes within the story that were especially important to the plot itself that revolved around Revenge, and so I suggest that you get more in detail with your plot, and the happenings, cause if it’s all just eating noodles every chapter (Not that it’s true, I’m just using an example), the story would only be about noodles. Do you know what I’m talking about? You need to get to the point.
Flow: 1/10
I found almost no flow in your story, and you moved so fast that I had almost no idea where the setting was even in the story, and the characters came almost out of nowhere. Genie for example, had no background before stepping onto the scene and proclaiming that she’s Aaron’s girlfriend. In the same way, Jiro also stepped onto the scene with almost or little background, and I thought that it would have been nice just to tell from Aaron’s point of view where Genie came from, why she wasn’t there from the very beginning. Your sentences were very short, and that did not aid in flowing the story, as it became really choppy just wasn’t really the ideal for a flowing story. Try writing with more detail and description, as it does help aid the flow of a story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 2/10
‘I walked through the airport doors the nauseating smell of the city filling my nose.’ This was in fact the first sentence of your story other than the side author’s note on top. Like a lot of the stories I review, you used two different tenses within one sentence. Though I know what you’re trying to say in this sentence, it doesn’t make much sense in grammar, and makes it sound really awkward when you’re reading it. The word ‘walked’ should not be put into the same sentence as ‘filling’ as it should be ‘filled’ because you’re currently talking in the past tense. You may change tenses between sentences, but not within sentences. The sentence should be changed to something like this ‘The nauseating smell of the city filled my nose as I walked through the airport doors.’
‘I walked up the stairs only to be knocked right back down them by a guy run down them.’ This sentence kind of has the same mistakes the previous one had, but it sounds really awkward in this form. There are times where you can use two tenses in one sentence, but only if you’re referring to something (Though I didn’t quite mention it on top). In this case, the sentence would be changed to ‘I walked up the stairs, but was only knocked right back down by a guy who was running down them.’
‘I pulled out 900 TWD (about 30 USD) paid the man, and asked him to pop the trunk for me.’ Using numbers within text is acceptable, but it’s always better using words instead of numbers, as it is a piece of literature. What I didn’t get here was why you used the word ‘Pop’. I understand that opening the trunk and seeing it pop up could mean ‘Pop’, but it would make more sense and would be easier to understand if you said ‘Open the trunk’ instead of ‘Pop the trunk’ for me. You also missed an ‘and’ behind the brackets displaying approximately how much it was worth in US Dollars. Just make sure the sentences still make sense after you put in brackets.
‘I woke up in the morning to the smell of pancakes and eggs. I came out of my room to see Mei Mei sitting plates outs. I came up and smiled at her.“You must really like me you let me live with you and you feed me!!”’ This particular sentence was really choppy, and short, in which you could extend the sentences instead by adding and’s in between them and taking out the period. You could’ve said ‘I woke up in the morning to the pleasant smell of pancakes and eggs, and as I came out of my room, I could see Mei Mei setting the plates out on the table. I walked over towards her and smiled.’ This way, instead of it being three sentences that sound rather choppy, you have a long and a short sentence. Punctuation is really important when writing, and I’ve noticed in many parts of your story, you tend to just run on the sentence, and never use much commas. You pause when you talk, and commas are there for both the character to pause when they’re talking and for the reader to better understand the text. So in the particular sentence it would be ‘”You must really like me; you let me live with you and you feed me!”’ Or if you wanted to phrase it without a comma you could use “You must really like me since you let me live with you, and feed me too!”
‘I looked over to see that Gui Gui had fainted. I drove quickly the dorms. I parked in front of the dorms. I picked Gui Gui out of my car bridal style. ’I was right she is like 80 pounds’ I walked quickly in to the dorm lobby and asked a girl if she knew where Gui Gui lived , pointed to room number 13 and ran to the dorm kicking with my foot, but no one came to the door. ‘I guess I have to take her to my room’’
‘“Why, were you in the park?” I was shocked by his sudden question.’ There is no need to put a comma into the sentence after the word ‘Why’ as you would ask the question without a pause in the middle. Please be aware of this when putting commas into your sentences.
‘Then regained her composer.’ I know what you mean by that, but a ‘Composer’ is a musician, or someone who makes music. Make sure you use the right vocabulary when writing and you organize your sentences in the right way, as this does not make any sense whatsoever. Though I understand what you’re getting at, it’s not accurate, and does not serve a purpose in showing that she’s regaining her composure. You would rarely use ‘Then’ after a sentence previously, and make it such a short one. This way, it doesn’t tell much, and you might as well have just put a comma instead of a period in front and put and in front of the ‘then’. That way, it would have flowed much more easily.
This really bothered me; ‘ “Why didn’t I call? Why didn’t you call you knew that I was ill back in Hong Kong but you never came.” That earned me a slap across the face. He grabbed my face and started to scold me in Korean. Wu Chun suddenly came up with an excuse for us to all leave. ‘diner is going to be really interesting.’’ So what was wrong with this sentence was that you wrote Why didn’t you call you knew… and continued to ramble on, when you could’ve very easily put a question mark behind the word call and made everything else make more sense. You should double check all your work before you post it up, because it’s hard for the reader to understand and it will confuse them. The thought ‘Diner is going to be really interesting’, again… Read over your work, and make sure that you don’t have mistakes, or to you, at least, it makes sense. Diner is a place to eat, and in this case, I believe you’re talking about Dinner? It’s one letter of a difference, but it makes the whole meaning different, so make sure to check your work.
‘I so was so dissusted by her voice that I couldn’t eat.’ Did you mean disgusted? There was double of the word ‘so’ in the sentence, and there was no need for that. You could take out either one, but it would come out sounding different. But I do recommend you change the word ‘dissusted’ to ‘disgusted’ and to take out one of the ‘so’ in the sentence.
Parts I did not understand:
‘I returned to my task at hand not bothering to give the miner set back a second thought.’ –I somewhat get what you’re trying to say, but was the boy a miner or did you mean something else?
‘Yes step one get him curious is a go!’ –I could make out that you’re saying that something about Step One is going well? But the sentence in itself doesn’t really make sense, please try and edit/fix that.
Many times you have said things like “You to” instead of “You too” or “Me to” instead of “Me Too.” Just be aware of that, that those make completely different sentences.
Characterization: 2/15
Other than knowing that Gui Gui and Genie were anorexic, I had no idea how everyone else was. Yes, I’m assuming that they didn’t have anorexia, but Wu Chun seemed most characterized; he was the nice guy, the caring one…etc. Aaron on the other hand (Who was one of the main characters in the story), was very much two-faced in my eyes. Genie, Hebe and Gui Gui gave off the same feeling. What I didn’t get about Aaron was that he treated Genie really nicely, but at times, he would just leave her for Gui Gui? And he’d care for Gui Gui, and yell at her? This anger that he had wasn’t necessarily something I was familiar with, and I couldn’t quite grasp the reason why he was so spilt-personalized. Genie was just out of the blue, and she went from hating Gui Gui to becoming buddies with her to get revenge on Aaron who was her boyfriend? I’m assuming that she loved Aaron if she was dating him? Why would she get revenge with Gui Gui if that was the case? Hebe we clearly tell that she likes Aaron, and her character wasn’t as confusing, but it was still very vague. The story revolves around characters, and if they’re not developed, then the story would be meaningless. There no description, no detail about the characters themselves, and they were all pretty much very vague, and just by their actions was not enough to allow the reader to fully understand their personality.
Writing Style: 3/10
When writing with quotation marks or these ‘ ‘, Make sure that you still capitalize what’s next; So instead of ‘this guy moves fast’, change it to ‘This guy moves fast’. I’m not quite sure whether it’s appropriate or not to do it without capitalization, but it looks better with the capital, so it’s better to do it that way.
I don’t necessarily understand why there’s a random recipe in Chapter 06, and it’s really unrelated to the story, and there’s no need to start a completely new chapter for a recipe. I mean, if you really wanted to put a recipe in there, you could very much do it at the end of a chapter. Why start a new chapter for it?
You sometimes changed the point of view within one sentence, and then switched it back right away to the first person point of view; please don’t do that; it confuses the reader, and there’s no need for that. It’s in appropriate as well in a story; try to stay within the same point of view, unless you tell them you’re changing it. Like I’ve mentioned earlier, your sentences were also really choppy, and instead of making so much sentences, you could’ve put a comma instead of a period, and replace the old period with a ‘and’
Overall enjoyment: 2/5
I often got lost with in your story, and I had to read things multiple times; it didn’t hold much of my attention. Your story mainly lacked description, detail and grammar. I think with those elements, reading your story would be much more attention-holding and interesting.
Total: 21/100
I hope I didn’t offend you in any way within this review, and I hope that you instead use this review as a guide in the future. I hope you all the best in the future, and May you always have a reason to smile! Thanks for requesting at Kaleidoscope Kreations, and sorry for taking so long!
Labels: Hainexazien
Monday, November 22, 2010, 10:34 PM
i found you my love
Fanfic: I Found You, My LoveAuthor: puppy
Reviewer: Hainexazien
Title: 3/5
Your story isn’t complete yet, so I can’t really criticize much for your fanfic in itself, as most of the time, it’s the ending point that allows the Title to make sense. But, so far in this story, I haven’t seen how the title kind of relates to it, and I think that the title itself is really overused, as I’ve seen it around quite a few times, and just put in a little creativity into the title, as it is the first thing that may capture the readers when they’re scrolling down a list of fanfics.
Background/Poster: 3/5
The poster in itself was an ‘okay’ poster, I guess in my eyes. What kind of bothered me the most was the red text that was used for Aaron’s thoughts, and the fact that you guys faded Hebe’s face. I could kind of see why you would do that, as you didn’t use Hebe in the story, and kind of used her as the reader themself, and would therefore blur the face because it could represent anyone. But a lot of the times, I think it would be better to just leave the face, or just show the side of her face, as it really could bother the author when looking that poster. As for the background, you used just one color, and I would’ve preferred a background that matched the poster, but of course that’s not required. You had this really dark brown, and it wasn’t quite appealing when looking at it, I usually prefer lighter colors –but those are just my preferences. The title though, was not very clearly shown on the fanfic, as you used Yellow for it, and I don’t think it went really well with the brown color in the back.
Forewords: 2/10
So I understand that this is a rewrite of a story of yours, but your forewords really didn’t contain anything that I would usually been expecting to see in the forewords. I was expecting a prologue, as it kind of hooks the reader into the story and allows them to want more, but I couldn’t see anything that would capture my attention in the forewords. Your author’s note was really not something that would attract me to continue reading and subscribe to your story. To know the characters more, you might want to put a description of each character in the forewords, so that the readers might have a better idea of how the characters are and how they would act on a regular basis.
Plot: 6/15
I’ve actually seen your plot around quite a lot, and I’ve read quite a few of these stories, and I couldn’t find anything special much about your story other than the extra add in of ‘Coffee’ in which I did like quite a bit. There was not much creativity in your story, and the storyline in itself is used quite a lot already, and when you’re trying to write with plots like this, try to come up with some unique things that make this plot yours, and this story yours. There has to be something special about this story that would keep your readers going, and I can’t find much of that essence in your story. Try using your imagination and creativity when writing.
Creativity/ Originality: 3/15
Like I’ve stated in the previous section, there wasn’t much creativity in which I could see in this story, and not much originality could be seen in what I’ve read so far. Like I said, try to put in a bit more imagination when writing.
Flow: 7/10
Your flow was somewhat cluttered at times, and I think what caused it to be so cluttered in some parts of your story was the sentence structures itself. Otherwise, good job!
Spelling/ Grammar/ Vocabulary: 7/15
‘Against the cold soft sheets of her bed, she layed her whole body effortless as she rustled her cute tiny nose against the pillows.’ I’m able to know what you’re getting at in this sentence, but the way you structured the sentence made it sound weird, and non-flowing. You should have it like this: ‘As she lay effortlessly on the cold soft sheets of her bed, she rustled her cute tiny nose against the pillow.’ This way, it’s easier for the reader to understand what’s going on in the story while having a good sentence structure and flow!
‘But still, she needed her damn phone where she can turn it on and large light would explode making her see things.’ So you kind of made the same mistake in this sentence and in the previous, but not the same. So it’s basically a similar mistake, I guess you could say. So it’s not that I don’t understand what you’re saying, but the way you worded it and structured it, makes is sound really weird, and non-flowing (Kind of like the sentence above). Light from a phone doesn’t usually explode, and though knowing that you’re trying to emphasize the amount of light that’s going to help her see the things around her, you can’t just say a ‘Large Light’ because generally, light can’t be large. Though light could be exploded, in this sentence it doesn’t sound quite right, and so if you were to put it into an edited version, it would be something like this: ‘But still, she needed her damn phone so she could turn on the light it provided to see the things around her.’ In this sense, it would make a lot more sense, and would be flowing.
‘It was just like 4:00 AM in the morning. Sunday. Great.’ In this particular part of your story, it was more of the words that you mixed up in the structure rather than the whole sentence and phrase not making sense. This should be edited to something like this: ‘It was only 4:00 AM in the morning; Sunday. Great.’
‘She scratched her long, messy brown hair while she peek at the refigeratior, only to find a half sliced hamburger with letus’ So what I wanted to point out in this sentence was the vocabulary. In this sentence, refridgerator and lettuce (I’m assuming) is spelled wrong, and what kind of bothers me most is that both of these spelling errors are in one sentence.
‘I myself doesn't know why I have come up with such a stupid plan.’ Like the other sentence, I knew what you were trying to get at in this sentence, but it didn’t necessarily make sense when we’re talking about grammar, and the biggest problem of this sentence is the word ‘doesn’t.’ In this particular case, you should’ve used the word “don’t.’, as it would make much more sense, and would apply to the sentence more. As well, a comma should be placed behind ‘myself’, because you would usually pause after the word.
‘We were both at a coffee shop, discussing my sudden trip for Bangkok.’ In this particular sentence, you used ‘for’ Bangkok. The character (Or the reader) is not going to Bangkok for the country itself, she’s going to Bangkok to find Aaron. So the sentence should be changed to ‘We were both at the coffee shop, discussing my sudden trip to Bangkok.’ Or if you would like to add that she’s going for Aaron, you could say ‘We were both at the coffee shop, discussing my sudden trip to Bangkok to find Aaron.’
‘"I- I'm not so sure either." Lie. Selina didn't know the whole story between me being pregnant and all.’ In this particular part of the story, you’ve ended the lie that the character has just told her friend Selina, with telling yourself that it was a lie. ‘Lie’ in itself is not a complete sentence, and therefore you can’t just put the word ‘Lie’ and put a period after it. You should at least add the words ‘It was a’ in front, so that it makes a complete sentence (Or at least a short one).
‘I tried to close this topic. I was very uncomfortable talking about 'it' again.’ I’m guessing that you were trying to indicate that she didn’t want to talk about Aaron no more? Aaron is a human, and therefore should be addressed as a ‘him’ or a ‘he’ or whatever the case is, but you can’t address him as ‘it’, as Aaron is a man, and he is not an object. As well, try to stay in one tense in the same sentence. ‘I tried to close this topic’, the word ‘tried’ in stating that it’s in the past tense, and that you’re no longer trying, but the word ‘close’ was in present tense, and therefore, it doesn’t make sense in the same sentence because it’s in a different tense.
‘"Do you really want it to dig it in? Telling me that I'm useless without him?" I blabbered about nonsense.’ So in this particular sentence, the problem was at the three words ‘dig it in’. Though I know that you’re trying to say that she’s ‘rubbing it in’, it makes much more sense in using the words ‘rubbing it in’ than the words ‘dig it in.’ the question ‘Telling me that I’m useless without him?’ is somewhat incomplete, and when not having anything in front of it to support this question, you have to complete the sentence with a subject. So you would have to say ‘Are you telling me that I’m useless without him?’ or ‘Why do you keep telling me that I’m useless without him?’
Remember to stay consistent in your points of view, as you’ve stated the main character as ‘her’ when you should’ve said it as ‘my’. Remember to not mix up your words when writing.
‘Cause in-return, he would be published too for being the impressive photographer for the month of July.’ I wasn’t quite sure what you were trying to say in this sentence; perhaps you were trying to say that he would be a really picky photographer?
‘Calvin cautiously pointed to Calvin's neck, making sure that Calvin wasn't looking or else he would be dead meat.’ You mean Chun, right?
The Vocabulary you used was decent, and though it could be improved, I don’t have a big problem with that.
Characterization: 13/15
I think the characters were actually developed quite well, and though I could see that it could be improved and could be a lot more detailed, I was quite satisfied with the amount of characterization that has taken place in the story so far.
Writing Style: 8/10
So what I didn’t get in one part of your story is when she dropped the phone in the beginning when she was trying to turn it on, and you said that it was impossible for even the next door neighbor to not hear the impact the phone has made on the wooden tiles. Was this phone very heavy by chance? Because when I drop a phone (Or when someone drops the phone around me), I could barely hear it from a room inside the house, so how could the neighbors necessarily hear it?
There were also parts in the story where you should stop right out of nowhere, and end off the sentence on the next line. I find no reason in doing this, and it only ruins the organization of the story.
You really liked to write with choppy sentences when you wrote paragraphs, and I think that you could’ve joint some of the sentences together, and so I took some marks off of that. But overall, Good job!
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I’ve got to say what kind of made the story seem to go on forever as I read it was the grammar mistakes, and I guess that was what stopped me from giving you a full mark! But overall, good job~ [Symbol]
Total: 55/100
I hope I wasn’t too harsh during the review, as I was only speaking my thoughts and trying to find ways to help you improve your grammar and to write in a better fashion! I hope you don’t mind! I really do apologize if I did offend you in any part of this review! This is personally my own thoughts on your story, but I hope you use this as a guide in the future when writing your stories! Thanks for choosing Kaleidoscope Kreations! I hope you have a great day!
Labels: Hainexazien
Monday, November 8, 2010, 4:48 PM
노래를 가르쳐줘~ Teach Me How to Sing
Fanfiction Title: 노래를 가르쳐줘~ Teach Me How to SingAuthor: Harumi95
Reviewer: Hainexazien
Title: 4/5
I could somewhat see how you came up with the title, and how it connects to the story, but I’ve actually seen titles that are somewhat close to yours or even with the same title. Though it may be a good title from one perspective, it could be improved and it lacks creativity. I added a bonus because I really like characters in the title (Like Korean, Chinese, and Japanese Characters) aside from the English, because it somewhat separates that Fanfiction from the others, so good job on that! Usually, the thesaurus could be a good resource in finding a title suitable for your Fanfiction, as one-worded titles are most likely to capture one’s attention the most (Mainly words with depth), and so I recommend you doing that on your next Fanfiction if you’re thinking of what to name your Fanfic!
Background/Poster: 5/5
Like you said, it’s still in the process of being made, so I gave you the five marks for bonus!
Forewords: 5/10
Though I somewhat liked your quote (Is that what it is?) in the forewords, I wasn’t so sure about the grammar itself in the quote. I mean, if you’ve taken it from soompi forums (Like it says on the bottom of the page, in which I’m not sure whether it’s from that source or not), I would understand it being a translation and lacking somewhat of some grammar, but if you wrote it, I think that the flow of the sentences could be improved. The forewords were fairly short, and rather than only having such a ‘quote’ in the forewords, you could possibly have more quotes or a little prologue of the story, as well as a description of the characters. When glancing at your forewords page, I was stunned at the little amount of words used. Remember that the forewords could be the first impression of your story, and the hook which could lead them to continue reading your story. Such a foreword would not be able to bring me to continue reading your story without the next chapter posted.
Plot: 13/15
Since I’m not quite sure whether your Fanfiction is still continuing or whether it’s really a one-shot (Like you’ve stated in the request, but I found two chapters), I wasn’t quite sure if I only read part of the plot or whether I’ve already read the complete plot (As the Fanfiction doesn’t state that it’s completed.), though I can tell you that your setting is quite unique and very different from what I usually read, so good job! Though the words ‘Teach me how to sing’ really reminds me of many other fanfics I’ve read having the same concept.
Creativity/Originality: 15/15
Like I’ve stated above, your setting was really unique, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard of such a story starting with such a setting, so I really admired that! Good Job! Full marks here!
Flow: 10/10
The flow wasn’t too fast or too slow! I really liked it! Keep it up!
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
There weren’t many mistakes spotted in the Fanfiction other than the little flow problems in the beginnings with the quotes. The Vocabulary itself could’ve been expanded though; though using simple and easily understandable words could lead to more understanding, but adding words with depth every once in a while wouldn’t hurt, and could even lead the reader to learning more words and expanding their vocabulary! Words with depth have the ability to sometimes describe images ever more than simple words can.
Characterizations: 5/15
As it is always hard to develop characterizations for the characters in a story in a one-shot, it can be achieved. I didn’t really learn much about the two characters (excluding Taemin and his curiosity). You could somewhat describe their personalities a bit more throughout the story so that the readers could be able to predict just what they would do next in a situation due to their familiarity with their personalities. Characterizations could be improved, and more detail could be added towards the description. Like I’ve recommended earlier, you could add descriptions of their personalities in the forewords if you really wanted.
Writing Style: 9/10
I really liked your writing style! Keep it up! You’re doing a great job~!
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
First of all, I have to apologize if I have offended you in anyway. These are just my opinions about your fanfiction, and I hope that you’ll be able to use this review as guide for future writings. I’ve got to admit, I was quite anxious about reading your Fanfic, as you have stated that it would be hinting Yaoi if looked at closely, and I myself was not a big fan of Yaoi. But after reading, I realized that it only hinted Yaoi, and there wasn’t really Yaoi included into the story. So I really enjoyed it~ and I hope that this review really helps you in writing!
Total: 79/100
Hope you have a great day, and thank-you for choosing Kaleidoscope Kreations!
Labels: Hainexazien
Sunday, September 5, 2010, 8:09 PM
And You Thought One Lie Couldn’t Hurt
fanfic: And You Thought One Lie Couldn’t Hurtauthor: Susan Lee
reviewer: Hainexazien
Title – 4/5
The fanfic title was fairly suitable for the story, and it would hook the readers in when seeing it, but it’s not really that creative. Try adding a bit of creativity to your title :)
Background/Poster –2/5
I honestly did not find the reason why you put Taecyeon on the poster, and not Jaebum. While reading your story, I often questioned myself “Who does she like really? Taecyeon or Jaebum?” I always found myself swaying to Jaebum’s side, because she seemed to care so much more about him, then she cared about Taecyeon. So where does Jay com into the picture? Because I’m pretty sure Jay is also one of the main characters as well, right? So couldn’t you have possibly added Jaebum to the poster as well? I was really not pleased with your background when I saw it, because I usually look for the faded images in the picture; but in yours, I found nothing at first. It wasn’t not till later did I find a really faded picture in the back; one I could barely see. I know it’s not personally your fault, but I would personally prefer the picture to be less faded. Having a picture too faded is equal to not having one in the first place at all. Though I do have to compliment you on your font color! Not once did I struggle seeing your words :) All of them were nice and clear! Good job!
Forewords –7/10
First of all, I have to tell you that I was pleased and confused about your forewords all at the same time. The prologue itself was good, but while I was reading it, some of the words confused me, and many other choices of words in place of some of the ones you used could’ve made the story more understandable. As well, though I know you added it for possibly style, I personally did not like how you wrote out the names. There was space sin between all of them, and instead of looking more stylish and unique for the names, it caused it to somewhat blend in with the background, and made it harder to read. You have to realize that it’s not only for you to style, but also for others to read. Being able to read a story without squinting is one of the reasons why readers continue to read. Other than that, your foreword was great!
Plot –11/15
I’ve seen your plot quite a lot in other stories –being popular, and then suddenly beat down on, and then realizing that your best friend was the traitor –and the horrible person—behind all the reason because of jealously and love. What I loved about your plot though, was the ending (Well, sort of) When she was punching the door and yelling for Jay in the rain. Though it might not seem that special, I found a touch of originality and creativity there for some reason, though I’m pretty sure I’ve read something close to that before. But adding more extra pieces here and there like how you did near the ending would’ve caused your story to become even more unique –therefore, the plot becoming something totally different from all the others that have the same plot.
Creativity/Originality –12/15
Like I’ve said, you’ve added creativity at the end –and originality as well, but I still think you can work on it :) creativity and originality is what makes a good plot an even better one, so continue working on it, okay? Think about all the extra little details that you could add to story; what would make it even more special?
Flow –7/10
The flow was too fast at times –where I would be confused and would have to read the whole part again—and then there would be parts just right. Just don’t rush yourself when writing the chapter, and make sure that your reader can follow along as your write, and you’ll be set to go.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary –6/10
While reading your story, I’ve found quite a few grammar mistakes, though I’ve got to admit that the spelling was good overall, and I couldn’t find many mistakes. The Vocabulary you used was simple and easy to understand, but I would’ve preferred a bigger range of vocabulary. Using several bigger words within the chapter could not only spark the interest of the readers, but could also possibly make your story more interesting. Vocabulary is a very important key, and though using simple words isn’t a bad thing, having some big words mixed in could be a good thing as well. So for the word ‘Myself’, you often wrote it as ‘My self’ with a space in the middle, which is certainly not needed because it’s one word by itself. The same goes for ‘Herself’ it’s supposed to be connected.
You also wrote: Since last month, when everybody started to hate me, loathe me, shun me, he didn’t talk to me at all.’ I knew that you meant in the sentence, but the way you wrote it out didn’t quite flow like the way I would’ve wanted it to. It should be changed to something like this: ‘Ever since everyone started to hate me, loathe me, and even shun me, he chose to not talk to me at all.’
‘How can you accuse of me of something like that’ the ‘can’ should be changed to ‘could’ and since it was something the character said, you should’ve put quotation marks to represent speech.
You have used ‘then’ instead of ‘than’ quite a few times within your story. Here are some examples: “I heard she slept with more then 20 guys” and ‘I turned around anyhow and saw something I never want to see, some one prettier then me.”
'Jessica walked in and everybody started to greet her, even if the teacher told them to shut their mouths.' What do you mean by that? Why did you use the word 'if'? I know what you mean, but it seems really unnecessary. You could've said that the teacher did instruct them to be quiet, but they ignored her, or even possibly change the 'if' to 'though'. But 'if' is really not suited in this sentence. 'If' usually describes something that could happen, so 'If' the teacher told them to shut their mouths, and if they still choose to greet Jessica, why don't you just say so? Why bother with the 'if?' If you could just say it straight out? Sometimes, being straight-forward could create a better image in the readers' mind. Same goes for this sentence: 'When Taecyeon told me about Yoobin, I didn't believe it, even if he was my best friend.' What do you mean by 'if?' I think you've really mixed up the meanings of 'if' and 'though'. They are best friends; it's not a question.
‘I could just hearing the girls screaming screaming for a picture with us. This happens every single year...' Yes, the letters 'ing' are used when it's describing an action that the character is currently using, but not every action ends with 'ing', Yes, he was 'Hearing' the girls screaming, but in this sentence, it should be used as 'Hear' by itself. The sentence should be revised to something like 'I could just hear the girls screaming; screaming for a picture with us.' You also occasionally forget to use commas, and would rather put a period at the end by itself. This could make your sentences really choppy, and really unappealing when the readers are reading the story.
'It almost didn't look like a gym, the floors were even covered with pretty colors of pink and white. This should be revised to: 'It almost didn't look like a gym; the floors were even covered with the pretty colors of pink and white.'
‘"Look who it is..." Wooyoung sneered and I looked up to see someone I didn't want to see ever again." ‘In this sentence, I understood what you meant, but the words you used really didn't suit each other. 'I looked up to see someone I didn't want to see ever again.' should be revised to something like 'I looked up and found the one person I didn't ever want to see again.'
'That's what kind of a person she was all along?!' That makes completely no sense, though I do get what you're trying to get across. But the sentence should be revised to: 'So that was the kind of person she was all along?'
'The arms that used to hug around me everyday. As much as I missed it's touch, I didn't hug back.' It may sound foolish to say it out right now, but copying out the whole sentence to show you the problem in this sentence was a must for me. You see, I'm pretty sure Jay isn't an object; he's human. You should know that you could refer to him as a 'He' and not an 'It'? You wrote 'As much as I missed it's touch...' The 'it' in this sentence should be changed into 'his' touch, because she's referring to the touch of Jaebum, not the hug itself.
These were just some of the mistakes you made that I’ve listed; there were many more. Simply to put it together, your spelling was good for most of it; the vocabulary was okay, but try to work a bit harder on your grammar?
Characterizations—15/15
You characterized the characters really well! Good Job!
Writing Style –7/10
Personally, I didn’t really like your writing style much. Most of the time, you would miss some words, or put the wrong words together and it’d sometimes sound weird –though, you still manage to get your point across. Sometimes, you try to use descriptive words or similes in your story, but when you leave out these important words like ‘and’ or ‘that’ or whatever the case may be, the attention of the readers are no longer on that simile that you’ve spent so much time thinking on, but it’s on the mistake and what you’ve left out.
You wrote: 'While I was dozing off, I saw birds flying free. I want to be like one of those birds, flying without a worry.' What did you mean by the birds? Did you see them in a dream possibly while you were dozing, or was it out the window? Please be more specific. It helps create images, and helps interpret the story in the readers' mind. Without these images, the story is plainly just words without meaning.
'The kind of look that gives you the cold shivers just thinking about it. It planted into my head and wouldn't go away.' The words 'It planted' does not make sense at all. Where's the word connecting the two? It should be changed to 'It was planted'. But if the reader was reading this sentence all by itself, would they really know what it was talking about? What was planted in Taecyeon's head? The look that Jay gave him was what was planted in his head, and therefore, making it clearer in the next sentence would create that image. Usually, follow-up sentences such like these could be clearly understood, but for some reason in this case, I couldn't find much sense into it. I had to read it three times before actually realizing you were talking about the cold look that Jay had given him. Try to clear up the way you write, and make sure they have a clear understanding about what you're talking about. Your story didn’t have a lot of detail in it, and most of the time you didn’t describe much, and I would’ve preferred more description, because that way, it’s easier for the images to form in the readers mind –like I’ve said earlier (I believe). Try to add more detail, and always remember that even the littlest details are important.
Overall Enjoyment –3/5
It could be one of the stories I would read, but it wouldn’t be on the very top of my list. I really liked the scene where she was sitting the rain while knocking frantically at Jaebum’s door, but I often turned my attention to something else as I read your story.
Total --74/100
I apologize if I have offended you in any way during this review. These are just my personal opinions and views, and I hope that you use this as a guide in the future when writing your stories, and I really hope that this will help you improve your writing. Thank-you for requesting at Kaleidoscope Kreations! Have a great day!
Labels: Hainexazien