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Sunday, October 24, 2010, 4:49 PM
The Farewell is Comming
fanfic: The Farewell is Commingauthor: mrs.hwang494
reviewer: Harumi95
Title: 2/5
There are two things wrong with your title:
1) Grammatical mistake!! Disastrous - it repelled me instantly when I saw this; I automatically thought: ‘If the writer can’t get the TITLE right, what will the STORY be like?!’
It should be: ‘Farewell is Coming’
2) The title doesn’t fit the story at all – I mean, ‘farewell’ does come at the end, but it didn’t have the process of neither Yuri nor Nichkhun waiting for the ‘farewell’ as the title implied – In fact, it was extremely sudden and unexpected. You should change your title into something more related and something more eye-catching.
Background/Poster: 3/5
I didn’t really like your background, but your poster fitted the atmosphere of your fic very well. You should also add text with your story name on the poster – it will make your fic look more professional.
Forewords: 7/10
I was extremely relieved to find that you didn’t list your character’s names, genre, and the plot. I find this extremely annoying and would give anyone a mark below 4 any day if I find this. For your fic though, the thing that let you down the most was the GRAMMAR – I will specify below in the ‘Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary’ section, but it really did bother me throughout the whole thing. Furthermore, a foreword should be a section of your story that should capture me and leave me begging for more – but unfortunately, yours didn’t quite have that affect, and it was just…. Normal.
Plot: 11/15
It was a bit too cliché, but I did like it when Nichkhun died so suddenly and so unexpectedly at the end. I didn’t really like that part when Nichkhun’s memory of Yuri ‘came alive’, but I suppose it was quite interesting and unique. I personally think that the story should have been a little longer and should have had at least one chapter full of the letters that Yuri received at the end - maybe talking about the average day-to-day things in London, thus making the story deeper and more affective.
Creativity/Originality: 11/15
It was the classical ‘I’m-going-to-study-abroad-so-I-won’t-be-able-to-see-you’ story; so it wasn’t the most original story I’ve ever read. However, I must give you credit for the interesting plot twists during the whole fic. I found it quite impressive that you were able to do this in the space of two mere chapters.
Flow: 7/10
The flow definitely wasn’t the best that I’ve seen, but, it was hardly the worst neither. The speech between the two characters was a little too exaggerated, and it seemed unnatural, even. The characters jumped moods too quickly and too easily for the reader to be able to grasp the situation and why they were acting like that.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
A big let-down in your story – A skilled reader would be repelled from your story instantly. Each mistake bothered me continuously throughout the whole time when I was reading this, and it really was nothing too major. Let’s take the beginning paragraph of your forewords, for example:
‘I’m stuck here
I should have meet you but I can’t
I wish I could be the one standing next to you
But that thing is just impossible
We will be parting for good
The moment is inevitable
The view our hands separating finger by finger
Your rolling tears
The trembling figure, I know you are afraid
But something that I’m sure is that you will be okay
Even if the farewell is coming
Even if it’s already before our eyes
As your steps are getting you further so does your heart
And you will be moving on
You will eventually forget me’
‘I’m stuck here
I should meet you, but I can’t
I wish I could be the one standing next to you -
But that’s just impossible
We will be parting forever
That moment is inevitable
The view of our hands, separating finger by finger
Your rolling tears
Your trembling figure: I know you’re afraid
But the one thing that I’m sure of is that you’re going to be okay
Even if our farewell is coming
Even if it’s already before our eyes
And as your steps are going further and further away,
And so does your heart,
You’ll be moving on,
And you’ll eventually forget me’
I corrected some of the awkward sounding phrases and grammatical errors, but to be very honest, it’s still not perfect – I’m afraid to say that this continues throughout your whole fic, so please check through your work or get a beta to help you.
Characterization: 10/15
From what you wrote, I could barely make out the two main characters. I could neither distinguish their personality, nor their character – But I suppose your fic was extremely short and hard to write a lot of descriptions. You need to develop your two main characters much more – give them a special personality, not something bland and boring.
Writing Style: 8/10
I actually really like your writing style – with a lot of work and effort, I think you will potentially be quite amazing. Try to make your speech and actions more natural and flowing – don’t exaggerate; the readers will understand even minor movements if you are clear enough!
Overall enjoyment: 3/5
It was okay, but I would be hard pressed to read it again in my free-time.
Total: 66/100
Labels: Harumi95