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Friday, April 22, 2011, 12:33 PM
To dance is to believe
Title: To dance is to believe Author: flyxtoxheaven
Reviwer: Harumi95
Title: 2/5
Before I even started reading your fic, I was instantly pulled away from reading it by this extremely cliche title. It… really makes me cringe. BUT – I suppose it creates this ‘stereotypical’ feeling to your fic, which is a great comeback when you start reading the story ^^
Background/Poster: 2/5
To be very honest, it was poorly made. I suppose it’s not really your fault that the poster maker would make such a poster, but you should have checked his/her earlier works to see if it was good enough. The colours, the texture, the layout… Everything is very unflattering. However, you can change this very easily by requesting from another site/ user.
Forewords: 6/10
I’ll forgive the fact that you listed the genre and the rating because it’s very brief – it doesn’t really give away the plot like a lot of poorly written stories do. The brief summary seems to be a little rushed – and it SCREAMED out SPOILER. This is a huge no! Try and capture the reader, make me begging for more of this fantastic story you’ll give!! And it was more disappointing because your story’s pace was brilliant – and those three lines kinda ruined it. If you are planning to be a writer one day, this is actually very important – it will serve as a blurb of the story - and what kind of a good reader would read the book without reading the blurb? No one. And trust me on that.
Plot: 12/15
(I’m sorry to say that I was unable to fully read your story as I couldn’t find the rest after chapter…8/9?? I went through all your other stories – the rest of this one was missing. Next time, please TELL me where your story is, and if it’s hard to find, because it took me half an hour trying to find chapter one after the prologue you sent me.)
It was…. Really typical. There was the typical trauma of the protagonist, and her typical past, but nothing else. There wasn’t a single comeback, or a great twist to the story… And personally, I found that a little boring. I really dislike romances of this type – doesn’t have a climax. Nothing I can really say about it, because I wasn’t able to read the ending, and the ending is THE most important part of a plot.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
It’s definitely more creative than most fics I see these days, but it still seemed slightly stereotypical… Is it just me who found it a little boring? Add something dynamic to your story – if you are planning to go into the writing genre, then you should know that even the most boring subjects/ genres/ characters can be turned into an instant favourite with the right author. Me finding your fic slightly tedious is not due to the fact that I generally dislike this genre, but the fact that it was…. Deflated? Bland?
One thing I’m happy about is that the main protagonist wasn’t the Miss Perfect everyone is pining to write about these days. Now that is BAD. It makes me want to throw my laptop in anger -___-
Flow: 7/10
I was extremely pleased at how your story flowed. Even though the grammar WAS slightly rocky, and it annoyed me continuously when I was reading, it had a very good pace – not too slow, not too fast. And that is something of an achievement to hear it from me. I’m very sensitive with the pace of a story. One thing I have to mention is that I LOVED how your character interaction scenes flowed! When the two protagonists were kissing/ touching, it made me feel like I was the character! (:D)
Oh yes, I have to admit though, I could tell that you rushed moving onto different scenes in some parts of the story. I KNOW it’s tedious work trying to merge the scenes together, but it’s necessary – please go back and see if there’s any unnatural jumps and slips.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Okay. One word to say to you. COMMAS.
I personally don’t get it – if your writing level is this high, how is it that you skip out on one of the MOST basic levels of writing?? Take a deep breath, then read through your fic quickly – if it doesn’t make sense and you have to reread the part again, there’s something wrong with it. Commas should go where it sounds right – a pause, a gap, a separation of idea. It is SO ESSENTIAL. Especially if you’re going to the writing profession! Tiny mistakes are embedded in your fic, and it’s not very good.
For example: ‘You’re lying, not about Midori about being lonely.’
For a skilled reader who reads fast, this sentence got me really confused. Midori was lonely? No. It’d be:
‘You’re lying. Not about Midori, but about being lonely.’
I have to confess, it’s really awkward. Take the beginning for example,
‘Music swirled around the dusty attic, what little light managed to find it's way into the cramped area hit floor boards, dented and smooth from years of dancing. Old broken pieces of mirrors picked up by a young girl years ago were stuck to the widest wall, forming a larger mirror, though crooked and awkward, which had been used religiously. The boards that helped hold the rusty roof on the house were covered in towels or some sort of prop picked out of bins or bought cheaply at second hand shops.’
‘Music swirled around the dusty attic, the little light that managed to find its way through hitting the floor boards, worn and dented from years of use. A crooked large mirror adorned the widest wall, cracks shimmering along the surface as if it remembered the young girl who picked and glued each broken pieces of glass together laboriously. (I didn’t actually understand the next sentence, so I guessed the meaning) Looking at the side, there were boards that served as pillars, covered in old towels and ragged props, carefully picked out from second hand shops and bins to form a vibrant collection.’
I’m definitely not saying that my writing style is any better than yours (far from it), but can you see the difference? Making sense is even more important than sounding extravagant – always remember that. If you think you’re not making sense, then make everything simpler; that will be much better than just rambling long and descriptive words that will be hard to figure out.
Characterization: 12/15
Taeyeon seemed to be the stereotypical ‘loud girl’ type – which I wasn’t so fond of. Her personality seemed to be MUCH too exaggerated, and seldom natural. However. Did I ever mention that I never really liked Changmin before? Well, scrap that, because I now officially have this crush on him. I actually ADORED the details and descriptions on Changmin – it made everything so much real and interesting.
I actually loved the other characters too – Midori was a bit typical, but characters such as Tim and her friends jumped out of the page to life – excellent.
Writing Style: 8/10
With a bit of polish, your writing style would be amazing! I loved how your style was really… professional. I can see the rough diamond~! Apart from the minor tweaks (that are pretty important), I liked most things about it.
Overall enjoyment: 3/5
I personally don’t favor stories of this style – so it’s no one’s fault that it’s a three. To be honest, if it was of any less quality, it would’ve been an EASY 1 or 2, so 3 is a very good score considering the genre.
Total: 71/100
I’m so sorry it’s late D: I completely forgot about the pending requests!!!!!!!!!!! Many apologies and please note that my review is a portrayal of MY OPINION – which definitely isn’t always right :D
Thanks and have a lovely day ^^ I hope I helped.
Labels: Harumi95
Sunday, January 9, 2011, 6:44 PM
Christmas Day
fanfic: Christmas Dayauthor: Scorpio
review: Harumi95
Title: 3/5
Well… All I can say about your title is that it is really…. Normal… Nothing else can describe such an over-used title like ‘Christmas Day’, unfortunately. I would not have picked out such a title from the tremendous amount of fics from Winglin – I suggest using a different language or something more eye-catching for a fic title in the future.
Background/Poster: 2/5
Definitely not my favourite. The poster was not BAD, but the background was infuriatingly distracting – try to request for a more subtle tone next time. The poster is very roughly made – in short, it looks a bit cheap.
Forewords: 4/10
Boring and…. Too bland. A lot of writers does not seem to realize it, but the foreword is actually one of the most important component of your story – it is the first thing that the reader reads, and it determines if they are going to carry on with the ‘Next’ button or not. We need something more gripping – something to make me desperate for more of this fantastic story the reader will be expecting.
Plot: 8/15
Honestly speaking, one of the very stereotypical oneshots. There was nothing particularly wrong, but there certainly was not anything amazing enough for me to be enjoying reading it. I had absolutely no idea who this c-pop star is, which worsened the oneshot – No descriptions or anything similar for me to relate to!
Creativity/Originality: 7/15
Not good – but then, you cannot really expect any kind of amazing unique plot in a Christmas oneshot, I suppose. But you could have at least made it a little more dramatic, no? The genre of this story is extremely vague – if you plan to be completely sappy, then go ahead. If you plan to make it dramatic, then please feel free. Make it enter a definite category.
Flow: 8/10
Very good flow. But some of the scenes were slightly rushed – I know the exact feeling of writing boring scenes; even if it is a pain to describe the minimal details, try to make everything more natural by adding a little more… Action? For example, one of the twins could have dropped a fork in the restaurant – XiaoJie could have noticed her breath condensing on the window as she looked through it; her fingertips could have brushed along it, leaving a faint trail of… etc. You get the idea. Description is absolutely critical – and I mean critical.
Oh yes, one more thing – The one thing that was really awkward was when XiaoJie was thinking about the other guy.
‘Xiao Jie, how are you now? Its already Christmas,
I mean, you would not just go like that in a situation like that, right? It just did not look like it belonged.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
Nothing wrong from what I could see – I may have missed several minor mistakes, but the good thing is that I was not tempted to throw my laptop trying to read through the hazardous piece of rubbish that a lot of writers write these days.
Characterization: 7/15
I could seriously make out nothing on the character at all. All I gathered from your oneshot was that XiaoJie was a girl, married to Xiao Jie, a guy who went on frequent business trips, and had twins. And clearly, that is not the best characterization, yes? Try to give your characters a little uniqueness! Give them little habits and personality that you could portray even in a oneshot! Little hints on the couple’s history would have been a bonus – something to increase the story’s depth.
Writing Style: 8/10
Nothing to criticize here. I mean, your style is not exactly distinctive, but it ticks all the boxes – which is all it matters. A little more description and naturalness will raise that 8 to an easy 10.
Overall enjoyment: 2/5
It was okay. I mean, apart from the fact that I had absolutely no idea who this XiaoJie and Xiao Jie was, it was not too bad. I personally do not like romances of this type – so forgive me of my low score on this part.
Total: 58/100
Reviewer’e note: Yes I know, I am terribly harsh – I hope I do not offend you in any way at all! I personally think that your writing skills are good – It is just the outline of the story lets it down. And I am very sure that in a fic that you have properly written with an organized plan, it would be very good :)
Labels: Harumi95
Sunday, October 24, 2010, 4:49 PM
The Farewell is Comming
fanfic: The Farewell is Commingauthor: mrs.hwang494
reviewer: Harumi95
Title: 2/5
There are two things wrong with your title:
1) Grammatical mistake!! Disastrous - it repelled me instantly when I saw this; I automatically thought: ‘If the writer can’t get the TITLE right, what will the STORY be like?!’
It should be: ‘Farewell is Coming’
2) The title doesn’t fit the story at all – I mean, ‘farewell’ does come at the end, but it didn’t have the process of neither Yuri nor Nichkhun waiting for the ‘farewell’ as the title implied – In fact, it was extremely sudden and unexpected. You should change your title into something more related and something more eye-catching.
Background/Poster: 3/5
I didn’t really like your background, but your poster fitted the atmosphere of your fic very well. You should also add text with your story name on the poster – it will make your fic look more professional.
Forewords: 7/10
I was extremely relieved to find that you didn’t list your character’s names, genre, and the plot. I find this extremely annoying and would give anyone a mark below 4 any day if I find this. For your fic though, the thing that let you down the most was the GRAMMAR – I will specify below in the ‘Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary’ section, but it really did bother me throughout the whole thing. Furthermore, a foreword should be a section of your story that should capture me and leave me begging for more – but unfortunately, yours didn’t quite have that affect, and it was just…. Normal.
Plot: 11/15
It was a bit too cliché, but I did like it when Nichkhun died so suddenly and so unexpectedly at the end. I didn’t really like that part when Nichkhun’s memory of Yuri ‘came alive’, but I suppose it was quite interesting and unique. I personally think that the story should have been a little longer and should have had at least one chapter full of the letters that Yuri received at the end - maybe talking about the average day-to-day things in London, thus making the story deeper and more affective.
Creativity/Originality: 11/15
It was the classical ‘I’m-going-to-study-abroad-so-I-won’t-be-able-to-see-you’ story; so it wasn’t the most original story I’ve ever read. However, I must give you credit for the interesting plot twists during the whole fic. I found it quite impressive that you were able to do this in the space of two mere chapters.
Flow: 7/10
The flow definitely wasn’t the best that I’ve seen, but, it was hardly the worst neither. The speech between the two characters was a little too exaggerated, and it seemed unnatural, even. The characters jumped moods too quickly and too easily for the reader to be able to grasp the situation and why they were acting like that.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
A big let-down in your story – A skilled reader would be repelled from your story instantly. Each mistake bothered me continuously throughout the whole time when I was reading this, and it really was nothing too major. Let’s take the beginning paragraph of your forewords, for example:
‘I’m stuck here
I should have meet you but I can’t
I wish I could be the one standing next to you
But that thing is just impossible
We will be parting for good
The moment is inevitable
The view our hands separating finger by finger
Your rolling tears
The trembling figure, I know you are afraid
But something that I’m sure is that you will be okay
Even if the farewell is coming
Even if it’s already before our eyes
As your steps are getting you further so does your heart
And you will be moving on
You will eventually forget me’
‘I’m stuck here
I should meet you, but I can’t
I wish I could be the one standing next to you -
But that’s just impossible
We will be parting forever
That moment is inevitable
The view of our hands, separating finger by finger
Your rolling tears
Your trembling figure: I know you’re afraid
But the one thing that I’m sure of is that you’re going to be okay
Even if our farewell is coming
Even if it’s already before our eyes
And as your steps are going further and further away,
And so does your heart,
You’ll be moving on,
And you’ll eventually forget me’
I corrected some of the awkward sounding phrases and grammatical errors, but to be very honest, it’s still not perfect – I’m afraid to say that this continues throughout your whole fic, so please check through your work or get a beta to help you.
Characterization: 10/15
From what you wrote, I could barely make out the two main characters. I could neither distinguish their personality, nor their character – But I suppose your fic was extremely short and hard to write a lot of descriptions. You need to develop your two main characters much more – give them a special personality, not something bland and boring.
Writing Style: 8/10
I actually really like your writing style – with a lot of work and effort, I think you will potentially be quite amazing. Try to make your speech and actions more natural and flowing – don’t exaggerate; the readers will understand even minor movements if you are clear enough!
Overall enjoyment: 3/5
It was okay, but I would be hard pressed to read it again in my free-time.
Total: 66/100
Labels: Harumi95
Tuesday, June 1, 2010, 4:26 PM
Trust
Fanfic: TrustAuthor: ava_lava
Reviewer: Harumi95
Hello Ava :) did you know that after reading this fiction, I felt like I lived another life? That, my friend, is the biggest compliment I have ever given to another fanfic.
Title: 4/5
The title is short, clean and relevant. But, in my opinion, it is too common and easy to forget. The general air seems a bit too cliché, and unfortunately, I seriously doubt that I would have picked it up from the massive amounts of fan fictions in Winglin.
Background/Poster: 5/5
The background and poster is extremely relevant and suitable. The general pastel tone adds to the ‘musical’ theme nicely. The poster adds an elegant touch to the story.
Forewords: 4/10
I shall admit it. I absolutely LOATHE forewords like this. It takes away the fun of building up the characters completely! It sounds so… uneducated and simple. I nearly cried reading the foreword – it was so disappointing! But even though I read your story in the end (and ABSOLUTELY LOVED it), if I was not reviewing…. I would not have read it.
On the other hand, we must also note that simple is GOOD, and there are many readers who prefer this kind of introduction to the story – so ‘4’ is basically my opinion. In my version of a perfect foreword, it must be short; have an ending leaving the readers desperate for more; and briefly, BRIEFLY, introduce the story in a way that will make the readers interested.
Plot: 15/15
The plot is amazing. This is a fact. I have NEVER given a full mark for a plot before Ava, and I seriously doubt that I ever will again. I always find flaws in people’s plots; as a reviewer, you should know – too cliché, too sappy, too boring, too romanticized… etc. But I cannot find a single problem in yours; it’s a new experience for me. The best thing about it has to be how it builds up tension subtly throughout the chapters; I actually did not notice it until I reached the end of chapter 19, where the story finishes – for now, anyway.
Creativity/Originality: 15/15
The whole story SCREAMS originality and creativity; It is so unique! I can freely announce that it is putting most fics into shame. The amount of research you put into this fic must have been tremendous! I have actually thought about discontinuing my fic just because yours is….. Indescribable in words.
Flow: 10/10
Your fiction has created a new record: full marks in the three genres that I mark the harshest – I am in awe. Your flow is perfect; each minor detail is described immaculately and to the fullest. The general flows between scenes are so smooth that I would not be surprised if it liquefies… sorry for the bad jokes?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
Your use of vocabulary was so extensive that I actually had to use the dictionary for some of the more complex words. The spelling and grammar was, SURPRISINGLY, perfect (heavy sarcasm by the way). The only reason that lost you that one mark was because of…. How should I put it, over-exaggeration of some of the actions? It is a very good thing to be using a variety of vocabulary – but some of the words are wrongly placed: ‘Barked’, for instance, is a wonderful replacement for ‘said’; but it was used in a situation where everything should have been quiet and solemn – it really stuck out like a sore thumb.
Characterization: 14/15
Characterization was brilliant – really. I admit that Jaejoong’s character confused me a little at first (depression modes, weird character etc.), but I suppose it was the point – his ‘unique’ identity. Yunho, by far, was the best; his personality was immaculately described and every action from him added to his character. Yes, I know it’s unfair for me to refer back to old wounds, but I shall anyway: If it wasn’t for the foreword, (which ruined the ‘character-building’ part) everything would have been perfect… but then, it was, so that is why it is a fourteen, not the fifteen that it deserves.
Writing Style: 9/10
The writing was extremely sophisticated and intense. I can tell that your style of writing developed over the chapters – in a good way. The one thing that I didn’t like was because everything seemed a bit too…. ‘posh’? Or ‘old’? Maybe it was just an echo of the emphasis of Jaejoong’s character; but to be honest, it clashed with the outline with the story. A good example is when Jaejoong keeps repeating ‘Oh!’ – It really does not suit…. We must note, however, that this only applies to the beginning of the story!
Overall enjoyment: 6/5
… You know, I am not a big fan of DBSK; nor am I the greatest fan of yaoi… Guess what, you have just overturned both those statements in the course of a single fic. The whole ‘piece’ was astounding. You have me captured; which is EXTREMELY rare – Seriously, I have a tiny collection of the best fictions out of the hundreds (literally) that I have read … and ‘Trust’ is one of them. Did you know that I actually had to read the whole thing twice before I started writing this? It was because the story got me captivated to such an extent that I could not remember the exact content. Congratulations Ava, you have a new fan (and subscriber). The number ‘6’ is not a joke.
Total: 91/100 – I was INCREDIBLY harsh on you. I admit, I normally butter all my reviews; but your review…. I scraped it with the bread knife – let alone butter. I would have just put a ‘100’ if you were to ask for my normal review…. But you wanted a critical one, so I did it without any regrets :) I really loved it - a sincere thanks for the excellent read.
Labels: Harumi95
Friday, April 23, 2010, 1:11 PM
‘Raisonnement, confiance and fric’ Reviewed by Harumi95@Kaleidoscopekreations.blogspot.com
Title: 5/5
An excellent title to start off the story. It instantly attracts the reader’s attention in result of its unique form; it is allusive, yet it seems to reveal a lot from the beginning (which in truth - it does not) because of the familiarity of the French language to the English. Also, I liked the way you gave the dictation of the title just before the start of the story – it sounded official; adding to the general mood.
Background/Poster: 4/5
An oddly fitting background for the story-line. The atmosphere of the plot is almost the opposite of the ‘elegant’ feeling of the blog; resulting in an interesting ‘Oxymoron’ display.
Forewords: 9/10
I am IMPRESSED! I cannot believe how simple it is, yet it is so affective! I loved the fact that it is both the beginning AND the summary of the one-shot – it almost gives the feeling of a continuously ‘looping’ story - Ingenious! But to captivate a reader completely, why not develop the ‘note’ into something more… snappy? For example:
‘Francesca at the hangar at 2100
Further information in the hotel
Destination: Nieve Objective: 6 kills’
This could be your foreword, and then at the end, Alex could read it and it can have a little additional message?
‘Francesca at the hangar at 2100
Further information in the hotel
Destination: Nieve Objective: 6 kills’
Alex did not know how to react at the unexpected message; didn’t Raven say that she cannot be trusted? She flipped the note several times… etc. etc.
‘Ma confiance - you have it’
And etcetera. (Sorry – I know it is bad, but it is the only thing that I can come up with right this second)
By the way: Pararae – this is only my opinion, so please do not be annoyed at my suggestion :)
Plot: 13/15
The plot is simple and attention-grabbing, but it lacks a thorough climax – and in these drama type stories, a climax is absolutely essential! It is actually the whole point of this kind of genre. Also, I do not get how Raven suddenly decided that she trusted Alex suddenly; knowing her character, it seems a little strange. Besides that though, it was a very satisfying read overall.
Creativity/Originality: 11/15
The whole story seems to be a bit rushed – the mark is low because it was a bit too cliché, and it followed the typical plot of a drama one-shot. On the other hand, I must give you credit for developing the system of spies/assassins for your stories; It is very detailed and I can tell that you spent a lot of time making it work.
Flow: 8/10
The general flow between the scenes was excellent: Everything ran smoothly and there was no major catastrophe. However, the flow of your sentences can be improved – your descriptions of the characters are far too long; making the whole thing awkward to read. I am definitely not saying that long descriptions are bad at all! In fact, they are a very important part of a story. But the key for a detailed description is this - Never try to put too much in a sentence.
‘…brunette ran down the stairs with her shoulder-length hair swung at the back of her head where a big, bow-like, blue ribbon tied loosely to a small lock of her hair… her up-lifted, short, blue skirt that give a clear image of her white underwear…’
That alone was plenty of description but it carries on:
‘…short, raven haired girl who was clad in short, dark leggings, black, mini, fish-net skirt that fall just below her hips, red collared jacket with a quarter-cut spaghetti-strap that gave a tempting sight of the Asian’s milky complexion.’
It is very good – but not altogether in a single paragraph.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
The grammar is definitely an improvement from the ‘Eye of Raven’ – but it seems to be, as I mentioned above, rushed. Typical typos appeared many times, and some basic grammar was wrong. On the other hand, your vocabulary range was wide and professional – just what I was expecting from the author of the ‘Eye of Raven’.
Characterization: 11/15
A bit disappointing that the characters did not really shine through properly – I suppose the one-shot was too short to add any major details, but I am sure that you could have built the characters’ personality more. It was okay for me because I knew the character ‘Raven’, but to people who does not, some of the situations might have been confusing: For example, ‘Why was it so amazing that Raven sent Alex a mission note?’ – I knew, but would new readers do too?
Writing Style: 8/10
Once again, I would just like to say that you are an excellent writer. With a little improvement, your stories would be amazing to read. I also loved the way you describe each minor action accurately.
Overall enjoyment: 5/5
I really enjoyed this one-shot. It was almost like a fresh breeze after all those drearily long fictions that drag the story on forever. A pleasure to read and review :)
Total: 81/100
A bit too short, no? :( Oh well...
Labels: Harumi95
Tuesday, April 20, 2010, 2:01 PM
Eye of the RavenReviewer: Harumi95 @Kaleidoscope Kreations
NOTE TO AUTHOR: I apologize if you are insulted in any way by my review Pararae. Nothing I have written was intended to offend – only to help.
Title: 5/5
A good, simple title to begin the story with; it introduces the readers to the general theme.
Background/Poster: 5/5
The black background fits the mood perfectly, adding emphasis to the story’s atmosphere.
Forewords: 9/10
A very pleasing introduction to the fiction – It gives hints on the storyline and does not give enough to ruin the plot. Everything is very good except for a couple of grammatical errors: e.g. ‘Mission is task for servant’ – it would make more sense if it was: ‘A Mission is a task for a servant’; ‘Missions are tasks for servants’ or ‘‘Mission’ is the task for a servant’
Plot: 13/15
The plot is well-planned and extremely interesting to read. The tension is built up very well throughout the chapter and keeps the reader’s attention affectively. The only problem for me was that I got lost several times during my read because of the confusing amount of characters.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
A very interesting original story which I can clearly see that you have put a lot of time and effort to it. The story’s idea itself is very creative; I think it’s great. But sometimes, the story follows the basic outline for the typical drama/action fictions – apart from that, it is very good.
Flow: 9/10
The general flow of the story is excellent and the transitions between the different scenes are very good too. You are AMAZING at writing action scenes – and I am in awe, since that is the only part of writing that I find hard to write. Also, most scenes fit well together; not jumping parts like some fictions.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
Grammar is possibly the biggest problem of the story. There are many mistakes (mostly the wrong use of tenses) that would catch an experienced reader’s eye. For example, ‘After a few minute of silent’ – ‘After a few minutes of silence’; ‘She have job to do’ – ‘She has a job to do’; ‘She has no time to stand around and listen to moron’ – ‘She did not have the time to stand around and listen to the moron’; ‘Without Conrad if that how it has to be’ – ‘Without Conrad if that is how it had to be’… And unfortunately, that’s only ONE paragraph. On the other hand, your extended range of vocabulary is extremely good! It sounds very professional because of your excellent choices of words.
Characterization: 13/15
Each different character has a distinguished personality; the reader gets a chance to explore interesting responses and actions from them. Unfortunately, some of the parts does not appear completely natural – the characters sometimes changes their mood too quickly and tend to over exaggerate some of their actions.
Writing Style: 8/10
Your writing style is, personally, VERY good. With a bit more work on the grammar, affective use of sentence structure, tenses, and use of naturally fitting vocabulary – You would be an outstanding writer; I am actually being very serious.
Overall enjoyment: 4/5
Overall, I am very impressed with what I have read. Apart from some errors in language, I thought that it was very good! To be honest, the beginning did not really catch my attention to the full – but ‘WOW’ to your last third of the chapter! I enjoyed that hugely and would love to read it again any time.
Total: 84/100 – I think that it is a very big number in my opinion - I am a very strict reviewer :)
Labels: Harumi95