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Monday, November 22, 2010, 10:34 PM
i found you my love
Fanfic: I Found You, My LoveAuthor: puppy
Reviewer: Hainexazien
Title: 3/5
Your story isn’t complete yet, so I can’t really criticize much for your fanfic in itself, as most of the time, it’s the ending point that allows the Title to make sense. But, so far in this story, I haven’t seen how the title kind of relates to it, and I think that the title itself is really overused, as I’ve seen it around quite a few times, and just put in a little creativity into the title, as it is the first thing that may capture the readers when they’re scrolling down a list of fanfics.
Background/Poster: 3/5
The poster in itself was an ‘okay’ poster, I guess in my eyes. What kind of bothered me the most was the red text that was used for Aaron’s thoughts, and the fact that you guys faded Hebe’s face. I could kind of see why you would do that, as you didn’t use Hebe in the story, and kind of used her as the reader themself, and would therefore blur the face because it could represent anyone. But a lot of the times, I think it would be better to just leave the face, or just show the side of her face, as it really could bother the author when looking that poster. As for the background, you used just one color, and I would’ve preferred a background that matched the poster, but of course that’s not required. You had this really dark brown, and it wasn’t quite appealing when looking at it, I usually prefer lighter colors –but those are just my preferences. The title though, was not very clearly shown on the fanfic, as you used Yellow for it, and I don’t think it went really well with the brown color in the back.
Forewords: 2/10
So I understand that this is a rewrite of a story of yours, but your forewords really didn’t contain anything that I would usually been expecting to see in the forewords. I was expecting a prologue, as it kind of hooks the reader into the story and allows them to want more, but I couldn’t see anything that would capture my attention in the forewords. Your author’s note was really not something that would attract me to continue reading and subscribe to your story. To know the characters more, you might want to put a description of each character in the forewords, so that the readers might have a better idea of how the characters are and how they would act on a regular basis.
Plot: 6/15
I’ve actually seen your plot around quite a lot, and I’ve read quite a few of these stories, and I couldn’t find anything special much about your story other than the extra add in of ‘Coffee’ in which I did like quite a bit. There was not much creativity in your story, and the storyline in itself is used quite a lot already, and when you’re trying to write with plots like this, try to come up with some unique things that make this plot yours, and this story yours. There has to be something special about this story that would keep your readers going, and I can’t find much of that essence in your story. Try using your imagination and creativity when writing.
Creativity/ Originality: 3/15
Like I’ve stated in the previous section, there wasn’t much creativity in which I could see in this story, and not much originality could be seen in what I’ve read so far. Like I said, try to put in a bit more imagination when writing.
Flow: 7/10
Your flow was somewhat cluttered at times, and I think what caused it to be so cluttered in some parts of your story was the sentence structures itself. Otherwise, good job!
Spelling/ Grammar/ Vocabulary: 7/15
‘Against the cold soft sheets of her bed, she layed her whole body effortless as she rustled her cute tiny nose against the pillows.’ I’m able to know what you’re getting at in this sentence, but the way you structured the sentence made it sound weird, and non-flowing. You should have it like this: ‘As she lay effortlessly on the cold soft sheets of her bed, she rustled her cute tiny nose against the pillow.’ This way, it’s easier for the reader to understand what’s going on in the story while having a good sentence structure and flow!
‘But still, she needed her damn phone where she can turn it on and large light would explode making her see things.’ So you kind of made the same mistake in this sentence and in the previous, but not the same. So it’s basically a similar mistake, I guess you could say. So it’s not that I don’t understand what you’re saying, but the way you worded it and structured it, makes is sound really weird, and non-flowing (Kind of like the sentence above). Light from a phone doesn’t usually explode, and though knowing that you’re trying to emphasize the amount of light that’s going to help her see the things around her, you can’t just say a ‘Large Light’ because generally, light can’t be large. Though light could be exploded, in this sentence it doesn’t sound quite right, and so if you were to put it into an edited version, it would be something like this: ‘But still, she needed her damn phone so she could turn on the light it provided to see the things around her.’ In this sense, it would make a lot more sense, and would be flowing.
‘It was just like 4:00 AM in the morning. Sunday. Great.’ In this particular part of your story, it was more of the words that you mixed up in the structure rather than the whole sentence and phrase not making sense. This should be edited to something like this: ‘It was only 4:00 AM in the morning; Sunday. Great.’
‘She scratched her long, messy brown hair while she peek at the refigeratior, only to find a half sliced hamburger with letus’ So what I wanted to point out in this sentence was the vocabulary. In this sentence, refridgerator and lettuce (I’m assuming) is spelled wrong, and what kind of bothers me most is that both of these spelling errors are in one sentence.
‘I myself doesn't know why I have come up with such a stupid plan.’ Like the other sentence, I knew what you were trying to get at in this sentence, but it didn’t necessarily make sense when we’re talking about grammar, and the biggest problem of this sentence is the word ‘doesn’t.’ In this particular case, you should’ve used the word “don’t.’, as it would make much more sense, and would apply to the sentence more. As well, a comma should be placed behind ‘myself’, because you would usually pause after the word.
‘We were both at a coffee shop, discussing my sudden trip for Bangkok.’ In this particular sentence, you used ‘for’ Bangkok. The character (Or the reader) is not going to Bangkok for the country itself, she’s going to Bangkok to find Aaron. So the sentence should be changed to ‘We were both at the coffee shop, discussing my sudden trip to Bangkok.’ Or if you would like to add that she’s going for Aaron, you could say ‘We were both at the coffee shop, discussing my sudden trip to Bangkok to find Aaron.’
‘"I- I'm not so sure either." Lie. Selina didn't know the whole story between me being pregnant and all.’ In this particular part of the story, you’ve ended the lie that the character has just told her friend Selina, with telling yourself that it was a lie. ‘Lie’ in itself is not a complete sentence, and therefore you can’t just put the word ‘Lie’ and put a period after it. You should at least add the words ‘It was a’ in front, so that it makes a complete sentence (Or at least a short one).
‘I tried to close this topic. I was very uncomfortable talking about 'it' again.’ I’m guessing that you were trying to indicate that she didn’t want to talk about Aaron no more? Aaron is a human, and therefore should be addressed as a ‘him’ or a ‘he’ or whatever the case is, but you can’t address him as ‘it’, as Aaron is a man, and he is not an object. As well, try to stay in one tense in the same sentence. ‘I tried to close this topic’, the word ‘tried’ in stating that it’s in the past tense, and that you’re no longer trying, but the word ‘close’ was in present tense, and therefore, it doesn’t make sense in the same sentence because it’s in a different tense.
‘"Do you really want it to dig it in? Telling me that I'm useless without him?" I blabbered about nonsense.’ So in this particular sentence, the problem was at the three words ‘dig it in’. Though I know that you’re trying to say that she’s ‘rubbing it in’, it makes much more sense in using the words ‘rubbing it in’ than the words ‘dig it in.’ the question ‘Telling me that I’m useless without him?’ is somewhat incomplete, and when not having anything in front of it to support this question, you have to complete the sentence with a subject. So you would have to say ‘Are you telling me that I’m useless without him?’ or ‘Why do you keep telling me that I’m useless without him?’
Remember to stay consistent in your points of view, as you’ve stated the main character as ‘her’ when you should’ve said it as ‘my’. Remember to not mix up your words when writing.
‘Cause in-return, he would be published too for being the impressive photographer for the month of July.’ I wasn’t quite sure what you were trying to say in this sentence; perhaps you were trying to say that he would be a really picky photographer?
‘Calvin cautiously pointed to Calvin's neck, making sure that Calvin wasn't looking or else he would be dead meat.’ You mean Chun, right?
The Vocabulary you used was decent, and though it could be improved, I don’t have a big problem with that.
Characterization: 13/15
I think the characters were actually developed quite well, and though I could see that it could be improved and could be a lot more detailed, I was quite satisfied with the amount of characterization that has taken place in the story so far.
Writing Style: 8/10
So what I didn’t get in one part of your story is when she dropped the phone in the beginning when she was trying to turn it on, and you said that it was impossible for even the next door neighbor to not hear the impact the phone has made on the wooden tiles. Was this phone very heavy by chance? Because when I drop a phone (Or when someone drops the phone around me), I could barely hear it from a room inside the house, so how could the neighbors necessarily hear it?
There were also parts in the story where you should stop right out of nowhere, and end off the sentence on the next line. I find no reason in doing this, and it only ruins the organization of the story.
You really liked to write with choppy sentences when you wrote paragraphs, and I think that you could’ve joint some of the sentences together, and so I took some marks off of that. But overall, Good job!
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I’ve got to say what kind of made the story seem to go on forever as I read it was the grammar mistakes, and I guess that was what stopped me from giving you a full mark! But overall, good job~ [Symbol]
Total: 55/100
I hope I wasn’t too harsh during the review, as I was only speaking my thoughts and trying to find ways to help you improve your grammar and to write in a better fashion! I hope you don’t mind! I really do apologize if I did offend you in any part of this review! This is personally my own thoughts on your story, but I hope you use this as a guide in the future when writing your stories! Thanks for choosing Kaleidoscope Kreations! I hope you have a great day!
Labels: Hainexazien