Kaleidoscope Kreations Reviews
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Hello Established April 19,2010 and headed by Kyn, Kaleidoscope Kreations aims to provide vistors with graphics and reviews. Email us at rain_kissed@live.com with your questions and comments
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Saturday, November 13, 2010, 1:19 PM
Unforgettable Birthday Present
Fanfic: Unforgettable Birthday PresentAuthor: Reny
Reviewer: Kyn
Title: 4/5
When I first saw the title of the fanfic I assumed that it had something to do with a confession, as most stories on winglin do. This confession would be an unforgettable birthday present because it is probably what the character wants the most or never expected to receive. Before looking at anything else but the title I was able to pin down your fanfic, however the title doesn’t exactly state all that which is good.
Background/Poster: 5/5
The background and poster match very well with your fanfic. What I like most is that it isn’t overly cheerful and filled with fluff.
Forewords: 4/10
Your forewords had no real connection to your fanfic at all expect letting the readers know it was intended for a friend. Writing any kind of prologue can be pretty difficult because you want to pull the audience in but not reveal too much information. That is especially true with one-shots and short fanfics because the story itself is short so there isn’t much you could reveal. But here are a few ideas:
1. Try letting the audience know who the characters of your fanfic are, not everyone may know who they are just by looking (I’m one of those people). At the same time you don’t want to give a whole character profile because people should come to know the character as they read.
2. Include some kind of poem or quote to set the mood of your fanfic. This way the audience has an idea of what kind of mood the fanfic has, is it romantic, angst, a drama.
3. You can also include a snippet of an important scene in the fanfic (if you’ve already written it). This way the reader is drawn in by what’s happening in the story, how did things end up this way, why are they acing this way? You also can keep a sense of mystery to your fanfic if you don’t reveal how things end or keep the characters who are speaking a mystery until they actually read.
Plot: 13/15
There was nothing that you added in that I would consider detrimental to your fanfic, however there are some things I believe should have been added in. It becomes very clear to the reader that Nina has feeling for Kei by the way she acts around him. It would have been nice if you could show that Kei loves Nina in a way other than having him say it.
Creativity/Originality: 6.5/15
It’s true that there is no originality, even the best of writers published or not have ties to works done before theirs. However there are more than just similarities between this fanfic and others written. The storyline is something that has been used over and over. It would have been great if you tried to add something in that made your different from another fanfic, but I couldn’t really find that. However since it is your fanfic I guess you could say that is what gives it its originality.
Flow: 10/10
The flow of the fanfic was pretty good. You managed to get everything you needed out without dragging anything out. Your writing was very consistent and clear. There was never a point where I feel like you were rushing anything.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
There were a few mistakes that were present throughout your fanfic but they didn’t affect the readers’ ability to understand what was happening. They were common mistakes that are made by people who aren’t proficient in English. Here are some of the mistakes you made that are easily fixable.
1. Syntax is the way you choose to arrange words, in some parts the way your worded things was awkward. You can try repeating what you write our loud, that way you can catch your mistakes, if it sounds weird try and see what you can fix. “She was wearing her complete school uniform with her semi long hair that exactly above her shoulder was let loose.” Instead of wording it that way try “She wore the school’s complete uniform and had semi long hair that hung loose at her shoulders.”
2. Sometime you mixed us words that were similar. For example you wrote “Kei let out a chucked” It should have been “Kei let out a chuckle” the word you used (chuck) means to throw something. You also wrote “That mean I won” is should have been “That means I won.” You wrote mean is in being a mean person.
3. There are a lot of words in English that sound the same but have different meanings and spellings. If you’re ever not sure about something you can try to look up homophones. You wrote “You should by yourself next time if you want something else!” Instead of being spelt by the word should be buy.
Characterization: 12/15
The personalities of your characters was very consistent and by the end I feel like I have an understanding of what they would do in certain situations. But I don’t think there was any growth in their characters, they remained flat characters.
Writing Style: 8.5/10
The way you wrote was very clear and clean cut. It was very simple making it easy to understand. However I would recommend you add more descriptions into your writing. This way the audience can create a clearer picture of what is happening and place themselves into your fanfic.
Overall enjoyment: 5/5
Despite my earlier comments I really did enjoy reading this fanfic. When I do my reviews I try to be objective and not think of whether I liked the fic or not. But I really did like it.
Total: 73/100
Labels: Kyn