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Wednesday, January 5, 2011, 6:34 AM
Why is Revenge So Sweet to the Bitter?
fanfic: Why is Revenge So Sweet to the Bitter? /Why is Revenge always so sweet to the bitter?author: whiteboat
reviewer: Hainexazien
Title: 1/5
The reason why I gave you this mark was because the title really didn’t have much relevance to the story other than the word ‘Revenge’ and the story itself really didn’t talk about revenge till about the fifth, seventh chapter? As well, I don’t see why I would click on that title, as it wouldn’t really draw my attention. The title was really long, and didn’t really serve the purpose to attract readers and still be suitable for the story. I didn’t get why there were two different titles; the on top of the poster is different from the one on the poster and the one on the tab. Try to be consistent with your titles, as it’s really hard to know which one is actually the real one.
Background/Poster: 5/5
I loved the background and poster, and I’ve got to say that your poster is quite attractive! The words never blended in with the background, and I never had a hard time reading the words, so that was really good!
Forewords: 2/10
In the forewords, you only had a basic summary of the story and what was going to happen. I found this really simple, but at the same time, I expected a lot more than that. There was no particular description of the characters of the story, neither was there a prologue or something to really hook the reader into the story. Yes, descriptions could play that part, but prologues or even quotes could add to that hook and make it more effective.
Try adding quotes, character descriptions, or possibly even an Author’s Note to capture the attention of the readers and keep them reading.
Plot: 3/15
The plot was very common, and through all 20 chapters that you posted, of 18 that were actually part of the story, I still couldn’t see much of your plot and it was all still very vague. Other than knowing that Aaron treated Gui Gui very coldly before and that she’s using Genie to get revenge on him, I know nothing else. The plot itself really didn’t develop in the story, and I couldn’t see much important parts or scenes within the story that were especially important to the plot itself that revolved around Revenge, and so I suggest that you get more in detail with your plot, and the happenings, cause if it’s all just eating noodles every chapter (Not that it’s true, I’m just using an example), the story would only be about noodles. Do you know what I’m talking about? You need to get to the point.
Flow: 1/10
I found almost no flow in your story, and you moved so fast that I had almost no idea where the setting was even in the story, and the characters came almost out of nowhere. Genie for example, had no background before stepping onto the scene and proclaiming that she’s Aaron’s girlfriend. In the same way, Jiro also stepped onto the scene with almost or little background, and I thought that it would have been nice just to tell from Aaron’s point of view where Genie came from, why she wasn’t there from the very beginning. Your sentences were very short, and that did not aid in flowing the story, as it became really choppy just wasn’t really the ideal for a flowing story. Try writing with more detail and description, as it does help aid the flow of a story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 2/10
‘I walked through the airport doors the nauseating smell of the city filling my nose.’ This was in fact the first sentence of your story other than the side author’s note on top. Like a lot of the stories I review, you used two different tenses within one sentence. Though I know what you’re trying to say in this sentence, it doesn’t make much sense in grammar, and makes it sound really awkward when you’re reading it. The word ‘walked’ should not be put into the same sentence as ‘filling’ as it should be ‘filled’ because you’re currently talking in the past tense. You may change tenses between sentences, but not within sentences. The sentence should be changed to something like this ‘The nauseating smell of the city filled my nose as I walked through the airport doors.’
‘I walked up the stairs only to be knocked right back down them by a guy run down them.’ This sentence kind of has the same mistakes the previous one had, but it sounds really awkward in this form. There are times where you can use two tenses in one sentence, but only if you’re referring to something (Though I didn’t quite mention it on top). In this case, the sentence would be changed to ‘I walked up the stairs, but was only knocked right back down by a guy who was running down them.’
‘I pulled out 900 TWD (about 30 USD) paid the man, and asked him to pop the trunk for me.’ Using numbers within text is acceptable, but it’s always better using words instead of numbers, as it is a piece of literature. What I didn’t get here was why you used the word ‘Pop’. I understand that opening the trunk and seeing it pop up could mean ‘Pop’, but it would make more sense and would be easier to understand if you said ‘Open the trunk’ instead of ‘Pop the trunk’ for me. You also missed an ‘and’ behind the brackets displaying approximately how much it was worth in US Dollars. Just make sure the sentences still make sense after you put in brackets.
‘I woke up in the morning to the smell of pancakes and eggs. I came out of my room to see Mei Mei sitting plates outs. I came up and smiled at her.“You must really like me you let me live with you and you feed me!!”’ This particular sentence was really choppy, and short, in which you could extend the sentences instead by adding and’s in between them and taking out the period. You could’ve said ‘I woke up in the morning to the pleasant smell of pancakes and eggs, and as I came out of my room, I could see Mei Mei setting the plates out on the table. I walked over towards her and smiled.’ This way, instead of it being three sentences that sound rather choppy, you have a long and a short sentence. Punctuation is really important when writing, and I’ve noticed in many parts of your story, you tend to just run on the sentence, and never use much commas. You pause when you talk, and commas are there for both the character to pause when they’re talking and for the reader to better understand the text. So in the particular sentence it would be ‘”You must really like me; you let me live with you and you feed me!”’ Or if you wanted to phrase it without a comma you could use “You must really like me since you let me live with you, and feed me too!”
‘I looked over to see that Gui Gui had fainted. I drove quickly the dorms. I parked in front of the dorms. I picked Gui Gui out of my car bridal style. ’I was right she is like 80 pounds’ I walked quickly in to the dorm lobby and asked a girl if she knew where Gui Gui lived , pointed to room number 13 and ran to the dorm kicking with my foot, but no one came to the door. ‘I guess I have to take her to my room’’
‘“Why, were you in the park?” I was shocked by his sudden question.’ There is no need to put a comma into the sentence after the word ‘Why’ as you would ask the question without a pause in the middle. Please be aware of this when putting commas into your sentences.
‘Then regained her composer.’ I know what you mean by that, but a ‘Composer’ is a musician, or someone who makes music. Make sure you use the right vocabulary when writing and you organize your sentences in the right way, as this does not make any sense whatsoever. Though I understand what you’re getting at, it’s not accurate, and does not serve a purpose in showing that she’s regaining her composure. You would rarely use ‘Then’ after a sentence previously, and make it such a short one. This way, it doesn’t tell much, and you might as well have just put a comma instead of a period in front and put and in front of the ‘then’. That way, it would have flowed much more easily.
This really bothered me; ‘ “Why didn’t I call? Why didn’t you call you knew that I was ill back in Hong Kong but you never came.” That earned me a slap across the face. He grabbed my face and started to scold me in Korean. Wu Chun suddenly came up with an excuse for us to all leave. ‘diner is going to be really interesting.’’ So what was wrong with this sentence was that you wrote Why didn’t you call you knew… and continued to ramble on, when you could’ve very easily put a question mark behind the word call and made everything else make more sense. You should double check all your work before you post it up, because it’s hard for the reader to understand and it will confuse them. The thought ‘Diner is going to be really interesting’, again… Read over your work, and make sure that you don’t have mistakes, or to you, at least, it makes sense. Diner is a place to eat, and in this case, I believe you’re talking about Dinner? It’s one letter of a difference, but it makes the whole meaning different, so make sure to check your work.
‘I so was so dissusted by her voice that I couldn’t eat.’ Did you mean disgusted? There was double of the word ‘so’ in the sentence, and there was no need for that. You could take out either one, but it would come out sounding different. But I do recommend you change the word ‘dissusted’ to ‘disgusted’ and to take out one of the ‘so’ in the sentence.
Parts I did not understand:
‘I returned to my task at hand not bothering to give the miner set back a second thought.’ –I somewhat get what you’re trying to say, but was the boy a miner or did you mean something else?
‘Yes step one get him curious is a go!’ –I could make out that you’re saying that something about Step One is going well? But the sentence in itself doesn’t really make sense, please try and edit/fix that.
Many times you have said things like “You to” instead of “You too” or “Me to” instead of “Me Too.” Just be aware of that, that those make completely different sentences.
Characterization: 2/15
Other than knowing that Gui Gui and Genie were anorexic, I had no idea how everyone else was. Yes, I’m assuming that they didn’t have anorexia, but Wu Chun seemed most characterized; he was the nice guy, the caring one…etc. Aaron on the other hand (Who was one of the main characters in the story), was very much two-faced in my eyes. Genie, Hebe and Gui Gui gave off the same feeling. What I didn’t get about Aaron was that he treated Genie really nicely, but at times, he would just leave her for Gui Gui? And he’d care for Gui Gui, and yell at her? This anger that he had wasn’t necessarily something I was familiar with, and I couldn’t quite grasp the reason why he was so spilt-personalized. Genie was just out of the blue, and she went from hating Gui Gui to becoming buddies with her to get revenge on Aaron who was her boyfriend? I’m assuming that she loved Aaron if she was dating him? Why would she get revenge with Gui Gui if that was the case? Hebe we clearly tell that she likes Aaron, and her character wasn’t as confusing, but it was still very vague. The story revolves around characters, and if they’re not developed, then the story would be meaningless. There no description, no detail about the characters themselves, and they were all pretty much very vague, and just by their actions was not enough to allow the reader to fully understand their personality.
Writing Style: 3/10
When writing with quotation marks or these ‘ ‘, Make sure that you still capitalize what’s next; So instead of ‘this guy moves fast’, change it to ‘This guy moves fast’. I’m not quite sure whether it’s appropriate or not to do it without capitalization, but it looks better with the capital, so it’s better to do it that way.
I don’t necessarily understand why there’s a random recipe in Chapter 06, and it’s really unrelated to the story, and there’s no need to start a completely new chapter for a recipe. I mean, if you really wanted to put a recipe in there, you could very much do it at the end of a chapter. Why start a new chapter for it?
You sometimes changed the point of view within one sentence, and then switched it back right away to the first person point of view; please don’t do that; it confuses the reader, and there’s no need for that. It’s in appropriate as well in a story; try to stay within the same point of view, unless you tell them you’re changing it. Like I’ve mentioned earlier, your sentences were also really choppy, and instead of making so much sentences, you could’ve put a comma instead of a period, and replace the old period with a ‘and’
Overall enjoyment: 2/5
I often got lost with in your story, and I had to read things multiple times; it didn’t hold much of my attention. Your story mainly lacked description, detail and grammar. I think with those elements, reading your story would be much more attention-holding and interesting.
Total: 21/100
I hope I didn’t offend you in any way within this review, and I hope that you instead use this review as a guide in the future. I hope you all the best in the future, and May you always have a reason to smile! Thanks for requesting at Kaleidoscope Kreations, and sorry for taking so long!
Labels: Hainexazien